Absolute Love
by tracyh
Summary: Slightly edited due to a continuity error. The night of Dumbledore's death led to many changes. Can Remus Lupin finally face his feelings for Tonks?
1. Talking

**Absolute Love**

A/N This story has been buzzing around in my head for a couple of days, so I had to get it down. It has a link with my James and Lily fic, The Alpha and The Omega in the sense that it picks up on some of the themes in that, however, this time I had Remus Lupin and Tonks in mind. I would suggest that you read this and then read The Alpha and The Omega to fully understand where I'm coming from with this, though that isn't vital. This story comes right up to date in the sense that it is set on the night of Dumbledore's death. As ever, please enjoy, read and review.

Disclaimer: I've checked and I'm still not JK, she's still letting me borrow her characters. Nice woman.

**CHAPTER ONE: TALKING**

Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks made their way back to Grimmauld Place in silence. Neither of them knew why they were going back to that house. It was nothing more than the headquarters for the Order of The Phoenix, and, further back, the Black family's home. Remus smothered a sigh; maybe they both had a connection with the house after all.

The Order of The Phoenix was begun years ago by Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Withcraft and Wizardry, who had died….no, not _died, _Remus mentally corrected himself, Albus Dumbledore was _murdered_ this very night by Severus Snape, Hogwarts Potions Master and former Deatheater.

Remus smothered another sigh as he thought of Sirius Black, who owned this house until his death a year ago. Sirius and Remus were friends at school, who, with James Potter and Peter Pettigrew were the famous Marauders, Hogwarts most renowned pranksters in their time. Remus could still hardly believe that two of the Marauders were dead before the age of forty and another was nothing more than a puppet for Voldemort. James Potter died at the age of twenty one with his wife, the love of his life, Lily Evans. Remus felt a familiar ache around his heart at the thought of his friends. They'd died trying to save their son Harry from Voldemort.

Remus's mind went back to those dark days fifteen years before. He remembered James and Lily going on the run in the year before their deaths, desperately trying to keep their son safe, after all, it was Harry that Voldemort was after.

When their son was fifteen months old the Potters decided they wanted to go home. They needed a Secret Keeper. The Secret Keeper had the secret of where the Potters were placed inside them magically. Once the Secret Keeper held the secret, he would be the only one who had the ability to give the Potters location away to Voldemort. At first the Potters turned to Sirius Black, their most trusted friend – Remus shuddered as he remembered why James had not turned to him for help – but soon a switch took place. Peter Pettigrew became the Potters Secret Keeper, unknown to anyone but James, Lily, Sirius and Pettigrew himself. Then Pettigrew betrayed his friends and James and Lily died. Their son somehow survived the Killing Curse.

Sirius Black, even to this day, was widely believed to have been the betrayer, and ended up in Azkaban prison for twelve years, for the murders of twelve Muggles and his former friend, Peter Pettigrew. Sirius had eventually escaped from Azkaban and the truth came out to those closest to him. Sirius Black was innocent. Peter Pettigrew was the traitor who cost James and Lily their lives, and their son the chance of growing up with his parents. Sirius was just rebuilding a life for himself and establishing a new relationship with Harry Potter, his Godson, when he was murdered by Bellatrix Lestrange, his cousin.

Thinking about Lestrange drew his attention to the young woman walking beside him towards Number Twelve Grimmauld Place. She was Nymphadora Tonks, another cousin of Sirius Black's. Now, as they went inside the house at last, Remus emitted a sigh he couldn't smother. For the umpteenth time that night Molly Weasley's voice was in his head – _'You're taking a ridiculous line on this…_' Remus made his way to the living room and poured himself a large drink. He had a feeling this endless night, this night of pain and loss, this night of terrible disclosures, wasn't over yet.

Nymphadora Tonks came through to the living room and watched Remus Lupin standing with his back to her, pouring himself a large glass of firewhiskey. She watched his head, bowed over his task, the streaks of grey in his hair catching the dim light of the room. She watched his thin frame stand upright again as he appeared to take the glass into his hand and put it to his lips. She moved further into the room to stand alongside him, as he put the glass down with a hand that trembled slightly. Stepping towards him just a little, Nymphadora Tonks spoke. 'I didn't know you drank firewhiskey Remus'. Her voice was soft and low in the otherwise silent room.

Remus flinched at the sound of Tonks's voice; it was almost as if she'd slapped him. She took a step back from him, he had clearly forgotten she was there and had started when she spoke. She watched as he turned to face her at last, his grey eyes meeting her dark eyes uncertainly. She sighed, 'I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you'. Remus stared at the young woman and shook his head, 'No, it's all right, you didn't startle me, I was just thinking about everything that happened tonight….about Dumbledore' he added quickly, as she went to speak again. Tonks nodded and, turning from him, sat down on an easy chair. 'I know, it's awful, Harry was in a state, do you think he'll be all right?' Remus was thoughtful for a moment as his mind turned to Harry Potter, who had witnessed his Headmaster falling from the Astronomy Tower at Hogwarts when Severus Snape cast the Killing Curse. 'I hope so', he said, sitting down opposite the young woman, 'but with everything he's been through…this, so close after Sirius….' He broke off, not needing to say any more as Tonks nodded softly again.

The two fell into a heavy silence in which Remus finished his drink. Standing again, he went to put the glass down on a small coffee table and then he yawned widely. 'I think I'm off to bed' he said, stretching, 'It's been a long night'. Tonks stood quickly as Remus moved towards the door, 'Remus, we need to talk…about us' she said, talking a step towards him. Remus Lupin sighed and turned to face her again, 'Not now Nymphadora, besides, there isn't anything else to say is there? We said it all at Hogwarts'.

Nymphadora Tonks's eyes flashed dangerously for a moment, she took a calming breath before she could speak. 'Actually we didn't, the only thing that happened was that you spouted a lot of bull about being too old for me, being too dangerous, oh, and I nearly forgot, you reckoned you're too poor!' In spite of herself, Tonks's voice was rising, the frustration she felt at his refusals to allow them to be together when they clearly had feelings for each other suddenly boiling over.

Remus swallowed hard. He stepped back towards the door again, 'Look, we're both tired and emotional, it's been a rough night, let's just get some sleep and we can talk in the morning'.

Now Tonks became angry, she moved so she was standing right in front of Remus, her eyes bright with temper. 'You patronising git! Don't you dare stand there and dismiss me like I'm one of your students!' Remus stared with wide eyes at the angry young woman in front of him. He couldn't remember ever seeing her lose her temper like this. He couldn't work out if it was a bad sign or not. 'I…I'm sorry' he struggled to clear his mind after her outburst, 'I didn't mean to patronise you…I'm sorry'. He looked into her eyes, holding her gaze sincerely. 'It's just….well, wouldn't we better if we talked when we've had some sleep?' Tonks shook her head, 'Do you honestly think you'll sleep properly after everything that's happened tonight, because I know I won't, besides, we need to talk now, this thing between us is hard enough as it is. It's time we faced it….time we _both_ faced it', she said, her meaning clear to Remus who swallowed again, realising at last that there was no point trying to avoid the issue any more. They both had to face their feelings, or rather, he did. He couldn't run away any more, she wasn't going to allow it.

Remus sighed heavily. After a long moment where he seemed to consider his actions, he moved back into the room and sat back down again. Tonks watched him sit and then returned to her own seat, opposite him. When they were both seated, Tonks spoke, running a distracted finger over the arm of her easy chair, studying that rather than looking at Remus, who seemed to be holding his breath. At last, Tonks spoke, all the while not looking at Lupin, 'Why won't you be with me Remus?' Remus Lupin groaned and shifted in his seat in agitation, 'Look Nymphadora, we've been over this a million times, I'm too old for you! For goodness sake, I was at Hogwarts when you were a baby!' Remus could feel himself becoming frustrated. He went to stand again, but Tonks suddenly looked up at him and glared, 'You were in the second year when I was born, yes, I know….the way you carry on you'd think you were teaching! I'm twenty four Remus, a twelve year age gap is nothing, it's not a reason, it's an excuse!'

Remus shifted back down into his seat, almost wishing he could curl up and completely avoid the discussion Tonks was determind to have. However, in his mind he grasped the truth of her words. Twelve years was nothing. Not if they…..he wouldn't allow his mind to finish the thought. He was supposed to be putting her off, not agreeing with her! He groped in his mind for another reason their relationship wouldn't work. 'I've already told you, I'm dangerous! Nymphadora I'm a werewolf! You know as well as I do that if you were in the way when I transformed….' He found himself unable to finish what he was saying, the thought of hurting her too much for him.

Tonks groaned in frustration. 'Yes, I know, you're a werewolf, so instead of allowing yourself to be happy you'd rather wallow in self pity!' She could feel her temper rising again, he was doing his utmost to put a barrier between them and she wasn't going to let him. He looked up at her, his grey eyes smouldering indignantly, 'It is not self pity!' he cried, 'It's the truth! If you were with me you'd be in danger and I can't….' he couldn't continue, his feelings getting the better of him. Tonks sighed, 'I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you, but Remus I'm an Auror, I'm trained to deal with dangerous situations. We could find somewhere for you during your transformations, or I could go somewhere, we don't need to allow it to run our lives'.

Remus thought about what she said. Even he had to accept that she had a point. They knew when his transformations would take place. They could make sure they were apart during the full moon. It wasn't a reason to prevent them being together…not if they….again he pushed the thought away firmly. He couldn't allow himself to give in. Instead, he found another reason to keep them apart, surely she couldn't argue with this. 'I'm poor; I couldn't provide for you or look after you or….'

Tonks interrupted, groaning in frustration, 'Remus I'm an Auror, I earn enough to keep us both...' Remus huffed as he exhaled sharply, 'I can't let you go out and provide for me, I'm a man, it's my place to…' Tonks gritted her teeth, 'Oh don't be so old-fashioned! I earn more than enough for now. Maybe one day you'll be able to work again….maybe you could go back to teaching again. Hogwarts needs a new Defence Against The Dark Arts Professor and you could do it, you know you could'. Remus shook his head, 'I couldn't capitalise on what happened tonight, it would be wrong'. Tonks looked into his eyes, shaking her own head firmly, 'You wouldn't be capitalising, you'd just be going back to a place where you know you've been happy to do a job you know you're good at. You have to agree that Dumbledore trusted you enough to do the job. He would never have done that if you couldn't do it'. 'But Dumbledore's….' He found himself unable to say the words. It was still hard to imagine that Albus Dumbledore was gone forever. Tonks nodded, 'Yes, I know, but Professor McGonagall would have you back, you know she would, and now Snape is gone, you could teach in peace'.

Remus could almost feel his resolve cracking. He knew she was right. He could teach, he loved the work and Hogwarts would need a new Professor. But then he thought of another obstacle, 'What if Hogwarts closes?' He knew that after tonight, the future of Hogwarts lay in the balance. Tonks smiled gently, 'Hogwarts won't close, something is bound to happen to keep it open, McGonagall won't let Hogwarts close, out of respect to Dumbledore, not once she gets over the shock of what happened. You'll see, Hogwarts will open in September, trust me'.

Remus couldn't speak. The young woman sitting with him was, one by one, breaking down all the barriers that kept them apart. Part of him questioned whether or not she was right about Hogwarts. The events of that night would get out and people might not feel able to send their children to Hogwarts any more. But then he thought of how strong Minerva McGonagall could be. Somehow he knew Tonks was right. Once McGonagall had come to terms with Dumbledore's death she would fight tooth and nail to keep Hogwarts open in his memory.

Remus sat in total silence taking in all Tonks's words and assurances. He couldn't help but wonder at how incredible she was and how much he….he forced himself not to think any more. He knew he couldn't possibly give in, for her sake as much as his own.

After a long moment Tonks spoke again, her voice sounding almost nervous. 'Remus?' He looked up at the question in her tone. He looked into her eyes, waiting for her to go on. 'Remus, do you….do you love me?'

A/N There we are! This was going to be a one shot, but it growed! I know, that's bad grammar, but I remember a similar line in a book (can't remember the title of said book!) and always wanted to use it. Anyway, stick with me, there's more!


	2. Revelation

A/N I'm so sorry for being so slow with the update for this. I've got my brother doing some painting and decorating for me at the moment, so my life is chaotic and my house is a dump. I hope to get the next update up much sooner. Apologies if this chapter seems a bit slow. I'm building the story up gradually to make the events sound as real as possible. Please bear with me.

**CHAPTER TWO: REVELATION**

Remus Lupin gaped open mouthed at the woman sitting opposite him. Her question had caught him completely off guard. He tried to gather his thoughts while his heart began to pound in his chest and his palms became clammy with anxiety. He tried desperately to find a way out of the situation he was in, tried to make himself stand, escape from that room and her, as quickly as he could, but his mind and body wouldn't move. He saw that she hadn't taken her eyes off him. She was sitting there, calm and cool while he was in turmoil.

After a long, painful silence, Tonks spoke again, only the tone of her voice giving any clue to her own agony. 'Remus please, I asked you a question, do you love me?' While she spoke her eyes looked into his, almost pleading with him to answer, to end the torment, one way or another. A few more silent seconds passed and then suddenly Remus Lupin stood abruptly, shaking under the weight of emotion passing over him. He opened his mouth and then closed it, grinding his teeth as the paroxysm of feelings rushed over him, threatening to overwhelm him completely. Tonks, seeing him struggling, stood and stepped towards him, tears welling up in her eyes, but he stopped her with his voice, and with a movement, as he aimed for the door once more. 'I can't….I can't do this…I can't…it's so wrong….it's bad!' He stepped further away from Tonks as she took another step towards him, shaking her head, tears falling from her eyes at last. 'Remus, please, don't be like that, please, I'm begging you!' She sobbed as she spoke, trying to reach for him, but he was caught up in a wave of panic and seemed to not see her, he went on, almost whining in his terror. 'I can't…it's wrong…not allowed…bad, so bad!' He seemed to be caught in a nightmare, trapped in his fears.

Tonks stopped crying and watched the man in front of her as he crumbled with emotion. Now he stopped whining and began to pace, almost like an animal in a cage. After watching him for a minute, Tonks gathered herself and rose, moving so when he turned towards her again, he almost bumped into her. He quickly stepped back, trying to keep some distance between him and the young woman who was staring at him through bewildered eyes. Tonks, seeing him step back, took a decisive step closer to him. Again, Remus stepped back and Tonks stepped forward, refusing to allow the escape he was clearly trying to make, never letting her gaze fall from his. Struggling to hold her own feelings in check, Tonks found her voice, 'Why Remus?' she asked, shaking slightly, 'Why is it wrong? I've told you, I don't care that you're a werewolf, it makes no difference. I don't care about your age, twelve years Remus, it's just twelve years!' She was becoming desperate to make him understand the depth of her feeling for him, that she meant every word, that she loved him, no matter what. 'I don't care about you being poor, I don't want money I just want you! Please Remus, please don't keep us apart any more, I love you, just you, nothing else matters to me except you, surely that can't be bad, can it?' She gazed at him beseechingly, begging him to see sense.

Remus Lupin stared at Tonks almost as if he was terrified of her. His heart hammered painfully in his chest and he felt sick. He had to fight the wave of fear sweeping through him. Even in his state he admitted to himself, he _was_ scared of Tonks, or rather, he was afraid of his feelings for her, scared of the way that when he was near her nothing and no one else in the world mattered. He was afraid of the sense he felt every time she smiled, a sense that he would do anything for her. Most of all though, he admitted, he was frightened by how much he wanted to be with her, wanted to spend time with her, make her happy, look after her, care for her and…yes, he admitted to himself at last, more than anything else in the world, he yearned to love her and receive the love she was offering. But he knew he couldn't, it was just all wrong. He couldn't allow himself to give in.

Tonks was still watching Remus intently, having to force herself to stay where she was and not close the space between them by flinging herself into his arms and pleading with him. She couldn't understand why he looked so frightened. As she watched him she could see he was almost hyperventilating with fear. She couldn't believe that her admission of her feelings for him could cause such intense panic. He must have known for ages how she felt; it had been obvious since before Sirius died a year ago. So why was he so afraid?

The two continued to stand in the living room of number twelve Grimmauld Place, staring at each other as an awkward silence descended once more. Soon Tonks became uncomfortable and began to shift nervously from one foot to the other. The movement caught Remus's attention. He hated himself for making her feel anxious with him. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt her. But, he told himself, he was a werewolf, he was _supposed_ to hurt people. Then he remembered what she'd said. She had told him over and over that she didn't care that he was a werewolf, that she knew he was a good man, a decent man, and she loved him. Remus knew that he wasn't avoiding his love for her because he was a werewolf, but because he wasn't the person she thought he was. Worse, he was a danger to her.

Remus Lupin thought of someone else he once loved. Now that person was dead and his love, a love he had no right to feel, had caused it. He couldn't allow the same to happen to her, even if it meant being alone. But, as he stood there, Remus realised that Tonks needed to be told the truth. He knew in his mind that once he told her why he couldn't love her, why it was so wrong, she would accept it and walk away. At the worst, she would hate him. Either way, she would leave him and she would have the life she deserved, away from him and the danger of his love.

Remus cleared his throat and gestured to a seat, trying to steady the shaking of his hands. 'Sit down Nymphadora, it's time I told you the truth'. Tonks's dark eyes widened in hope, 'Remus?' she said softly, edging closer to him. Remus Lupin closed his eyes for a second to push away the hopeful gleam in her eyes. Then he indicated the seat again. 'Please sit down. There are things you need to know…then you can decide if you really do….' He couldn't finish. He knew that he was mentally holding the door open for her to be with him and that was wrong. 'Please, just sit down', he said, returning to his own seat and waiting for her to sit.

Tonks sighed heavily and found her seat again. 'Remus we've been through all this again and again and I still don't care. I love you and nothing is going to change that, whatever you say, so just….' 'I've been in love before' interrupted Remus abruptly, 'I've been in love before and I killed her'.

The words hung in the air once they had been spoken. Tonks blinked for a moment, trying to absorb what he had said. 'What…what do you mean, you killed….?' She couldn't understand what he was saying. She couldn't imagine Remus Lupin killing anyone, at least, not when he wasn't transformed. Then, the realisation dawned. In his transformed state he had killed someone he loved. She sighed, 'Oh Remus, I'm so sorry, but surely you can't blame yourself for something you did as a werewolf!' She knew she had to convince him she didn't fear him, and knew he would never hurt her.

Remus shook his head, seeing that she had misunderstood. 'I wasn't transformed, it was me. I killed the woman I loved…I caused her death by falling in love with her'. Tonks shook her head in confusion, 'I'm sorry Remus but you'll need to explain to me, I don't understand, how can falling in love kill someone?' Remus sighed heavily again, 'I'll explain it to you, I promise, by the time I'm done you'll understand why…why I can't be with you'. Tonks went to open her mouth, but Remus met her eyes and her voice died away in her throat. She sat, waiting for him to explain himself, forcing herself to stay calm.

Remus shifted nervously in his seat, bowing his head and staring at his hands as he spoke. 'I met her at school, she was bright, intelligent and fun to be with. At first she was just someone I knew, not even a friend really. I found out years later that she realised I was a werewolf when we were in the sixth year, but rather than expose my secret, she kept it to herself. She didn't even tell me she knew'. Tonks nodded firmly, her eyes shining. 'You see, not everyone is going to turn away from you when they know the truth'.

Remus went on, deliberately ignoring Tonks's interruption and her meaning. He knew if he didn't say this now he never would. 'In time we became good friends, she was made a prefect in the same year as me. We realised we had a lot in common, we both liked books and learning. The only difference between us was that she couldn't stand the Marauders, couldn't understand why I hung around with the school pranksters. I didn't have the nerve to tell her that I helped plan the pranks. I certainly never admitted that the Marauders were my only real friends, I thought she wouldn't understand. I managed to avoid our differences by play acting. When I was with the Marauders I didn't speak to her. Sirius and James did enough talking for all of us anyway, so my silence was hardly noticed. She used to argue with James and Sirius so much, I don't think she ever noticed that I never took her side…not when she was there, at least'.

Remus broke off to catch his breath. Tonks remained quiet, her eyes wide, her whole attention fixed on him. He went on, his voice low and strained. 'In the 7th year James's parents died. For weeks all our attention was on him. He had a terrible time and for a while we were all afraid for him. He seemed to shrink away from everything and everyone. The only person he seemed to rely on was Sirius. Mind you, they were like brothers, much more than friends, so I suppose that was natural. Pettigrew and I were on the outside of it all, but I didn't think either of us minded. What mattered was James and getting him through it. Then my…' he struggled to find the words he wanted, '…my other friend offered her support and in time she became close to all of us…especially James'.

As soon as the words came out Remus wanted to take them back. He hadn't meant to tell Tonks who he was talking about and now he had practically blurted it all out! He looked down at his feet, not daring to look into her eyes. 'You do know I'm talking about Lily don't you, you do understand I'm trying to tell you I was in love with my best friend's wife?' He looked up as he spoke and saw Tonks nod, 'Yes I know, but Remus, you didn't kill Lily, Voldemort….' Remus shook his head, he felt his emotions running out of control again, 'Look, let me explain and you'll see, Lily and James died because of me, their deaths were my fault! I'm as guilty as Voldemort and Pettigrew! I'm to blame for Sirius being locked up! I'm responsible for the fact that Sirius lost twelve years of his life in Azkaban, it was me, my fault!'

Tonks watched the man she loved falling apart in front of her eyes. Once more she had to hold back from taking him in her arms. 'All right, explain it to me, make me understand, because I just don't see how you can take the blame for something that just wasn't your fault'. Remus made a sound in the back of his throat, a frustrated grunt, and then he went on more calmly, trying to explain the actions of so many years before.

'James had spent years at Hogwarts chasing Lily', Remus continued, his grey eyes misting over reminiscently, 'so when they got together during the 7th year their relationship developed quickly. I swear, at that point I didn't think of Lily in any way other than a friend, and, of course, as one of my friend's girlfriend. It was clear right from the word go that they were meant to be together. Lily loved James and he….' Remus's voice broke for a second, his feelings getting the better of him, but he regained control as fast as he could, '…James absolutely worshipped her. I remember their wedding day. A few minutes before the ceremony he was standing with me and Sirius, just before they took their places. He stood in that church and made us promise him that if Lily ever left him we'd help him die. I remember Sirius and I laughed, we thought he was joking, but he told us he meant it. He told us he'd rather die than lose Lily. He said he knew he'd never live without her…'

Tonks listened attentively, trying hard to understand where this was going. She knew from Sirius how devoted the Potters were. She couldn't work out how all this had anything to do with her feelings for Remus. She sighed, 'Remus I know all of this. Sirius told me. He talked about James and Lily a lot when I spent time with him. He said Harry is the image of his father, with his mother's eyes'. Remus nodded, his eyes filled with sadness, 'Oh yes, Harry is most definitely his father's son…and yes, very much Lily's boy too…but I can see you want to know where all this fits in with me, so let me explain'. Remus waited a moment before Tonks nodded and he continued his story, looking at his hands again.

'Before James and Lily married he admitted to her that he was an illegal Animagus, well, that he, Sirius and Pettigrew were'. Remus glanced up quickly to see Tonks's eyes widen quizzically, but she said nothing. She waited for Remus to go on, which he did, his voice bright with admiration for his friends. 'They taught themselves how to do it, it took years. They did it for me, so that each full moon they could transform into animals and be with me when I was in my werewolf state. They carried on being with me on those nights long after we left school. They were the only nights James ever turned down chances to be with Lily. He couldn't bring himself to tell her the truth until just before they were married. He was afraid she would leave him. But she didn't. Oh, I knew she was worried, but she accepted it, admitted that she had known I was a werewolf for a while and offered to help me find a potion or something that might make the transformations easier…' Tonks's eyes met Remus's in wonder, 'Lily helped you to find the Wolfsbane Potion?' Remus nodded, 'Yes she did, and I repaid her by almost wrecking her marriage!' Remus sounded almost angry, but Tonks didn't respond. She calmly waited for him to continue.

Remus sighed heavily. He knew the hardest part of his story was near. He shifted nervously in his seat before he stood and began to pace up and down as he spoke. He couldn't look at Tonks now. He knew if he did, he wouldn't be able to tell her the truth and they'd be back to square one. 'Lily began helping me find the Wolfsbane Potion just before she was married. Then, just as she and James were about to go on their honeymoon, she found Damocles Belby. As soon as she was home she started to work with me and Belby. The potion was so new none of us was sure it would work for me. So Lily spent time with me, fine tuning it until we were sure it was right. By that time James and Lily had been married a couple of months.'

Remus Lupin suddenly stopped pacing and sat down in his seat again making himself look at Tonks, who, it seemed, still couldn't work out where all this was going. He braced himself, she would know soon enough. Taking a steadying breath he went on. 'I realised when I was working with Lily that I had developed feelings for her, feelings that went beyond friendship. At first I told myself it was because we had spent so much time together, and looking back, I'm sure that's partly what it was, but if I'm honest I have to admit that it went beyond that. It got to the point where she was in my head all the time. I couldn't think of anyone else but her. I knew it was wrong, she was married to one of my closest friends, but I knew in my heart I didn't care. I'd fallen head over heels for her and I found myself almost wishing she would leave James and be with me'.

Remus stole another quick glance at Tonks, whose eyes were wide in astonishment. He held back a sigh. Judging by the stunned look on her face, he had shocked her. He felt a twinge of relief and told himself that soon she would tell him to shut up and she would leave. Then he felt another sensation inside. He quickly pushed it aside and went on with his story. 'I had to wait for a full moon to try the potion properly. Belby told me to take it for the few days immediately before the full moon to be sure it was in my system and again on the night itself. I did as he asked and took myself off to transform. When it was over I realised that it wasn't as bad as it had been. I still transformed, but I wasn't as wild as I used to be. I still felt in control of myself, I still remembered my name and what I was doing. For the first time since I was a child I felt normal and I felt that Lily had made it happen. In my excitement I needed to tell her what she had done for me, so the next evening, when I was fully recovered I went to see her. She was at the cottage at Godric's Hollow and James was late coming home from Auror training'.

Remus's features took on a pained expression; he went on, his voice filled with self-disgust. 'I went inside the cottage and found Lily in the kitchen preparing a meal and looking anxious. I knew she always worried about James when he was training, but when she looked at me with her green eyes filled with such worry, all my feelings for her rushed out. I told her the potion had worked and that she was wonderful for making it happen. Then, before she could do anything or I could think, I was holding her in my arms and kissing her. She didn't respond or push me away she just let me kiss her. Looking back, I know she was just shocked, but at the time I convinced myself she was enjoying it as much as me. I don't know what I would've done next, but suddenly I heard a gasp from somewhere. Lily stepped away from me so fast you would've thought I'd scalded her…then I turned and saw James, staring at us, looking mad with anger and more hurt that I'd ever seen him look before'.

Tonks stared at Remus after his revelation, desperately trying to absorb his words. She could hardly believe what he had said. She could hardly believe that the gentle, mild mannered man she had fallen so much in love with had allowed himself to act so rashly. Remus Lupin lived his life in the shadow of a condition that made him lose control once a month, so, as if to compensate, he controlled the rest of his life almost obsessively, including, she knew to her cost, his emotions. At least, she told herself, mulling things over in her mind, he did _now_. Sitting there, trying to think, Nymphadora Tonks finally began to understand the burden of guilt he had carried for so long, a burden he would never be free from unless he allowed himself to receive absolution. Swallowing hard, her heart aching for him once more, Tonks spoke hesitantly, her eyes burning with tears she knew she couldn't allow to fall just yet. 'W-what happened n-next?' she asked, blinking to clear her vision.

Remus heard Tonks's voice and knew she was disgusted with him. He wondered why she wanted to know what happened, he couldn't understand why she wasn't storming from the room threatening to tell Harry the truth about a man he thought he could trust, one of his parent's closest friends. But there she was, her eyes shining with sadness and, he thought, disappointment, waiting for him to finish his admission. Sighing deeply, he went on. 'James stood staring at me and Lily for what seemed like hours, but must have only been a moment or two. Then everything seemed to go mad. James started ranting and raving, demanding to know how long things had been going on with me and Lily.' Remus's eyes glowed with shame; his hands began to tremble once more as again, he was caught up in his memories. 'Lily tried to tell him that there wasn't anything going on, that I'd just got carried away because the potion worked, but James wasn't having any of it. He looked mad with rage. I'd never seen him look at Lily like that before, as if, in that moment, he hated her. He turned all his attention to Lily, accusing her of terrible things, of never really loving him, of lying to him and he even said she must have married him for his money because if she had ever really loved him she wouldn't be having an affair so soon after their marriage. Lily was heartbroken. She cried and pleaded with James to believe she was telling him the truth, she even threw herself on her knees, begging him to understand, but he wouldn't. Then it was as if he remembered I was still there. I almost expected him to hit me with a hex or even an Unforgiveable, but he didn't. He just grabbed me by the collar and threw me out of the cottage. I tried to apologise, I wanted him to realise that Lily had done nothing wrong, but he just wouldn't give me a moment to explain. He slammed the door in my face'.

When Remus had finished speaking he was trembling all the way to his finger ends. Taking a breath, he went on, keen to finish revealing the truth. 'I didn't even attempt to get back into the cottage. For all I knew, James was so mad he could've done anything. Even from outside, I could hear James ranting again, and then Lily was yelling too. She had always had a temper, even at school, and I suppose she just couldn't take the way James had spoken to her. I stood on their doorstep for ages listening to them screaming at each other, throwing accusations, even bringing up stupid things that happened at school before they got together. Then I heard a door slam and they went quiet. For a second I wanted to get back in there and see if they were all right, but I couldn't do it…..I was a coward, I left them alone to sort out a mess that I was responsible for'. He slumped down in his seat, overcome with shame.

After a moment of thought, in which Remus seemed to sink lower into the easy chair he was sitting in, Tonks spoke again, clearing her throat against the tears that kept trying to well up inside her. She had to force herself not to throw herself at Remus and offer him forgiveness for his mistake, but she knew she couldn't do that. Unless he was ready to forgive himself, it would be pointless. 'But the Potters must have got through what happened, I mean, Harry and…'

Remus looked up at Tonks and sighed. He sensed that Tonks might not be as disgusted as he thought. He almost groaned at himself, he hadn't even managed to make her hate him! He realised that he had to make her see that he was responsible for what happened to James and Lily and that if he had been their Secret Keeper they would almost certainly still be alive. He had to make her understand that he had allowed his feelings to take control and as a result James and Lily died. He sighed heavily again and replied, concentrating once more on his hands instead of looking at Tonks.

'I stayed away from the cottage for a few days. Sirius was away doing some business for the Order, and Pettigrew was keeping himself to himself, so I assume James and Lily were alone at the cottage. After a while I knew I had to go and see them and explain myself if James would let me. When I got there Lily let me in. I could see she looked tired but relieved too. I wanted to ask her if she was all right, but then James appeared. I watched him put an arm around Lily and hold her tightly, it was as if he was making the point that she belonged to him. I could tell by the way she was looking at him that they were all right, thank God. In fact, if anything, they seemed closer than ever. I realised quickly that James hadn't forgiven me and that he blamed me for what had happened, and of course, he was right, it was entirely my fault. I did apologise and, I think for Lily's sake, James accepted, but from then on I knew he didn't trust me any more. He tried, I'm sure he did, but I soon realised he found it almost impossible to sit in the same room with me, especially if Lily or Sirius weren't around. Thank God, Sirius never knew what had happened. If he'd known how I'd hurt James he would have killed me, so we all went on pretending everything was all right when it clearly wasn't. Then Lily found she was pregnant and as Harry's birth drew near Voldemort started tormenting the Potters. All the time James made it obvious he didn't trust me, so when they went on the run, when their baby was just a few months old, I decided to stay away from them. It was easy enough, only Sirius, myself, Dumbledore and stupid as it seems now, Pettigrew, knew where they were. Sirius said it would be safer for them if we didn't visit them as a group as we used to. So I was able to just stop visiting without anyone but them knowing. Sirius was so wrapped up in worry for them he never even thought to ask if I was seeing them. He used to talk about them all the time, especially the baby, so I was still aware of what was going on with their lives, but I didn't see them again until just a few days before they died'.

Remus stood once more and helped himself to another drink.

A/N Well, there we are, another chapter. As ever, please read and review. More soon.


	3. Forgiveness?

A/N For a story that was so clear in my head, it's taking a while for it to evolve on the page. I'm sorry for the delay and just hope I still have interested readers. I had an acute case of writers block, but it's gone now…thank goodness! As ever, please read and review. Most of this chapter was a real struggle, so your views are welcome. Constructive opinions much appreciated. On with chapter three. Just one more to go, which I hope won't take me long to write.

**CHAPTER THREE: FORGIVENESS?**

Remus Lupin stood with his back to Tonks once more, sipping slowly on his glass of firewhiskey. He felt the warm liquid sliding down his throat, soothing him. He managed at last to stop the shudders that had been passing through his body for most of the night. He couldn't believe that Tonks was still there, listening to him, when she should be calling him names and leaving him alone.

Nymphadora Tonks watched Remus Lupin as he stood with his back to her. She thought of everything he had said that night. She admitted to herself that she was still shocked at his admission; she still found it hard to believe that this intelligent, quiet, thoughtful man could have made such a mistake, but, as she studied him, she knew in her heart it made no difference. She knew now, even more strongly than before, she loved him, and no past mistake would change that, not if he loved her in return. She realised that she had to make him understand that he wasn't responsible for the Potters deaths, or for Sirius being locked up. The only thing Remus Lupin was guilty of was misjudging a situation that presented itself to him, but even that was understandable. Tonks knew from talking with Sirius that Remus had never allowed himself to get close to girls at school in the way his friends did, for fear that they would discover his secret, so it was understandable that his closeness to Lily and his gratitude for her help with his problem, put temptation in his way.

Tonks rose and moved to the window, pulling the curtain aside, she looked out. The night was fading fast, in just a few more hours it would be daylight again. She looked out at the sky, which was gradually becoming lighter, and suddenly thought of Dumbledore. It was hard to imagine a world without Dumbledore in it, his kindly eyes and his wise words, even his eccentricities. His life had been snatched away in the blink of an eye. As Tonks stood looking out through the living room window she realised now more than ever that the world was full of enough blame, hate and death. She knew now it was time for forgiveness, a fresh start and a new life. She hoped that she could persuade Remus of that and that he would let her be with him, that he would allow her the chance of moving on with him, once he allowed himself to put the past away and move forward.

Remus turned and stood watching Tonks as she looked out through the window. 'It's almost light out there, I've kept you up talking most of the night, I'm sorry, you must be exhausted', he said, trying to keep his voice as light as possible. Tonks turned to face him, smiling softly, 'It's fine, don't worry about it, I'm an Auror, I'm used to not getting much sleep, you know, doing late night patrols and things, anyway, I was the one who said we needed to talk'. Remus nodded, 'Yes I know, and soon you'll see what I've been trying to say all along, that I'm not the sort of man you should be with'. Tonks sighed deeply, 'Why don't you just finish telling me everything and then I'll decide for myself what sort of man I want to be with'. Remus opened his mouth to say something, but Tonks cut him off by pointing to a seat, 'Are you ready to carry on now?' she asked, almost like she was asking him if he was ready to go in and see a Healer. He suppressed a wry smile at the thought. Somehow he couldn't quite see Nymphadora Tonks as a receptionist in a Healer clinic.

Remus sat down once more and waited for Tonks to sit down opposite him. However, to his astonishment, he suddenly found her sitting on the floor in front of him, her legs crossed and her hands resting in the space between her knees. He raised a quizzical brow but she just met his gaze calmly and said, 'I just prefer sitting on the floor that's all. You can go on when you're ready'. Remus nodded dumbly, finding her closeness unnerving, but all the same he went on with his story, his eyes clouding once more with the memory.

'Lily and James had been back at their cottage for a few days when I went to see them. I went with Sirius, probably because I didn't know what sort of welcome James would give me and because I honestly believed that Sirius was the Secret Keeper. I even asked him if he should be in hiding, but he told me he was going after Halloween. Looking back, I realise now how uncomfortable James looked when we were talking about the Secret Keeper, but then I thought it was just me being back in the house that was making him feel awkward. It didn't even occur to me that Sirius wasn't the Secret Keeper. Sirius told me when they asked him to do it, but he never told me they'd switched'. Remus sighed deeply, his mind overflowing with painful memories. 'Years later when I found Sirius again and realised he was innocent he apologised for thinking I was the spy….I don't know what he would have done if he'd known the real reason James didn't trust me'.

Tonks shook her head firmly, 'Sirius would have been angry for a while, I know that, but I don't believe he would have let a mistake from years before stand in the way of you two being friends again'. Tonks's eyes met Remus's earnestly. 'Sirius was so lonely when he came out of Azkaban. Finding you and Harry again gave him a chance, you both gave him something to go on for. I don't think Sirius would have given up on that easily'.

Remus Lupin gave Tonks a grateful smile. He knew that even now she was trying to help him. Part of him wanted to reach out and take this remarkable young woman into his arms, but he knew he couldn't do that. He forced himself to remember he was supposed to be pushing her away. He steeled himself to go on with his story.

'Anyway, that day at the cottage', Remus sat up straight, deliberately trying to sound distant. 'I remember Sirius and James talked for a while, they talked about Pettigrew. Looking back, I should have realised that Pettigrew was the Secret Keeper, but it never crossed my mind. I realise now that Sirius and James were letting me think Sirius was the Secret Keeper, but I just didn't see it at the time. I never thought for one minute they would use Pettigrew'.

Remus went on, his voice low. 'I could tell James wasn't really comfortable with me being there. He hardly took his eyes off me and Lily when we talked. She asked me how I was and I found myself thanking her for her help with the potion. I soon realised that while she was looking at me, she was talking to James really. She told me that she wanted to help me because when James told her he was an Animagi, she was scared of the thought of someone finding out he had broken the law and of him being sent to Azkaban. She said she knew she could leave him, walk away, I suppose to let him face whatever happened if people ever found out, but she wanted to marry him, so she decided to help me. She eventually found Belby. She explained that she spent a lot of time with me when we were working on the potion because she needed to be sure it was right, so that James could stop breaking the law and be able to be with her.'

Remus swallowed hard and shifted slightly in his seat before he went on. 'I realised then more clearly than ever that Lily didn't love me. I could see just by the way she was speaking that she had only ever loved James, and always would. I knew she felt sympathy for my condition, but she only loved one man, her husband, my friend. I was surprised though, when Lily suddenly left the room, practically dragging Sirius after her, leaving me alone with James, who looked even more amazed than me. At first I admit, I was scared. I knew what James could be like when he was angry. I tried to apologise, I really wanted him to understand what I had done, but he didn't seem to want to hear me explaining myself. Instead, he looked me in the eye and asked me why I kissed Lily. The question caught me completely by surprise. I know I couldn't have made much sense. I rambled on about how Lily had helped me and how grateful I was and that I just got carried away, which, I knew even then, was partly true. Then James asked if I was in love with her'.

Remus shifted again in his seat as Tonks sat, perfectly still on the floor, gazing up at him with her dark eyes. 'W-what did you say to him?' she asked after a moment, not sure if she really wanted him to answer. Remus met her gaze and sighed, running a hand nervously through his hair. 'I lied to him….I allowed him to think I had never been in love with her, when I knew that wasn't true', he replied, shifting his gaze and staring at his hands once more. 'I sat in that cottage and lied through my teeth because I knew that if James thought I was in love with Lily he would hate me. I knew he would turn his back on me, because, even if there was no reason for him to fear, he would convince himself that if I loved Lily, then she would love me. It would never have happened of course, but James would never have accepted that. I told him a pack of lies because I knew deep down if James turned his back on me Sirius would do the same and I'd end up alone. I knew in my heart that Sirius and James were as much a unit as James and Lily, they were like brothers, so I knew that whatever happened, Sirius would never support me and hurt James. Most of all though, I lied because I knew Lily had never loved me. I knew there was no chance that she would ever love me, so my feelings were a waste of time. I even told James that, I sat and told him that even if I did love Lily I'd be wasting my time. I knew she would only ever love James'.

Remus sighed heavily again, his shoulders drooping. He knew the end of his story was approaching. 'As soon as I finished speaking I could see the relief on his face. I could see he believed me. Maybe a combination of what Lily had said and my lies had convinced him, but all the same, he believed me. Then he left the room, and Sirius came in, holding Harry. Of course, Sirius tried to get me to tell him what was going on, but I couldn't. The only thing that mattered to me was that James and Lily were all right together and I still had my friends. A while later James and Lily appeared again and Sirius and I said goodbye and we left them alone. I never….' In spite of himself Remus felt a lump in his throat, 'I never saw James and Lily again…'

Tonks sat looking at Remus and had to fight once more not to take him into her arms. She was moved by his honesty. She knew it was hurting him, he was admitting that he was secretly in love with Lily Potter before she died and that he had pushed his feelings away because she didn't love him and he couldn't bear to lose his friends. He had gone all out to deny his feelings because he knew the damage they could cause. Tonks wondered when he would realise that he didn't need to do that any more. She wondered when he would understand that Lily Potter might not have been free to love him, but that she, Nymphadora Tonks was, and no mistake from the past would change that.

Remus put his head in his hands, he sighed deeply before he spoke again. 'A few days went by and then, on the day after Halloween I had a message from Dumbledore….he…he told me James and Lily were dead'. Remus swallowed hard, struggling to keep his emotions under control. 'He told me that….Sirius….S-Sirius had betrayed James and Lily and h-he was in Azkaban. He told me that it looked like Pettigrew had realised what had happened and went looking for Sirius. Then Dumbledore told me that Pettigrew….was dead and so were twelve Muggles. He gave me the impression that Sirius had gone mad when he was cornered, and k-killed….' At last Remus Lupin's voice broke and he put his hands over his eyes. He leaned forward in his seat, his emotions running out of control.

Tonks rose onto her knees. Tentatively she reached out and placed a hand in Remus's hair. She gently ran her hand through his greying locks, trying to comfort him in the only way she knew how. She felt the tension in his body; it seemed to reach all the way to the roots of his hair. Her heart went out to him. She edged forward gradually so that she was even closer to him. She was almost up against his knees when he suddenly looked up at her, a pained expression in his eyes. Tonks was taken by surprise when Remus suddenly looked up, her hand, that had been in his hair just a moment before, hung loosely in the air before she thought to lower it back down to her side. Remus sighed deeply, 'I'm not supposed to be letting you get this close to me, I…I'm supposed to be pushing you away', he said, though Tonks noticed that he made no attempt to move away from her. 'Why?' she asked, fixing him steadily with her dark, steady orbs.

Remus groaned, for a moment he sounded frustrated, almost angry. 'Because I promised myself after what I did to James and Lily that I would never let my feelings take over again! I knew if James had just trusted me, he could have asked me to be the Secret Keeper and that he and Lily would still be alive. I promised myself that I would never get close enough to someone to hurt them again. I knew, you see, it was my fault, all of it! James and Lily didn't ask me to be their Secret Keeper because James didn't trust me! Sirius went to Azkaban because he didn't trust me enough to tell me they had switched Secret Keepers! He spent twelve years in Azkaban for something he didn't do, and then he came out to a half life, all because people still thought he was guilty of something that he had never, _would_ never, have done! Then, just when he was getting used to being out of that awful place he.…he died'. Remus fought to regain his composure, while all the time Tonks kept her eyes on him calmly.

Remus went on, more reasonably. 'I've lost everyone I've ever cared for Nymphadora. Anyone who meant anything to me is gone. James, Lily, Sirius, even Peter Pettigrew in a way. They're all gone, so when you seemed interested in me I knew I couldn't let it happen. I'd promised myself that I would never fall in love again because it was falling in love with Lily that had caused all this. I knew that if I hadn't fallen for Lily James could have asked me to be the Secret Keeper, they would have lived and Sirius would never have spent years in Azkaban. It was my fault Nymphadora, don't you see?' Remus's voice broke again. Once again, he covered his face with his hands.

In an instant Tonks moved and reaching out, she took Remus Lupin into her arms. Sighing, he reached out to her, almost like a drowning man. He clung desperately to her, before he moved and pulled her up onto his lap. The two held each other close before Remus spoke again, his voice muffled by Tonks hair. 'I said I can't do this Nymphadora, I can't let you get close to me'. Tonks held him tighter, 'I think it's a bit late for that Remus Lupin. I'm already close to you, but if you really don't want me you can let me go. All you need to do is let go of me Remus and I'll know you don't love me. Just let go of me and I swear, I'll get out of your life and you need never see me again'. She deliberately kept her voice as even as possible, while inside she was in turmoil. She knew he was punishing himself, intent on condemning himself for a crime he had never committed. She knew she had to persuade him otherwise, but for now, all she could do was wait for him to respond.

Tonks waited for Remus to react, almost holding her breath. She expected him to let go of her or push her off him, but he didn't, if anything, his grip on her tightened. Tonks released a sigh of relief. 'You don't need to punish yourself any more Remus. You did the wrong thing, you know you did, but all you did was fall for someone you had no right to fall for; you couldn't have known what would happen! Don't you ever think that Sirius used to torment himself with guilt too? Doesn't it ever occur to you that he never got over asking Pettigrew to be the Potters Secret Keeper? Don't you realise that as far as he was concerned, he had killed James and Lily almost as surely as Voldemort? Don't you know that Sirius felt so responsible for Harry because he thought that if he'd just been the Secret Keeper Harry would have grown up with his parents, rather than at the Dursleys?'

Remus eased out of Tonks's arms a little, he groaned in the back of his throat. 'Yes, I know, but Sirius wasn't responsible for any of it. He just did what he thought was right for James and Lily! He was trying to keep them alive! My mistake led to James not turning to me so that when he and Lily needed me the most I wasn't there! They died because of what I did, it was my fault!' Remus's normally soft voice was rising in frustration. He couldn't understand why Tonks couldn't see that he was to blame for the Potters deaths and that being alone was his punishment.

To Remus's surprise Tonks suddenly jumped out of his arms and stood in front of him again. She met his frustrated gaze with eyes full of determination. 'Look Remus, I know you made a mistake, and yes, James might not have trusted you to be the Secret Keeper because of that, but whatever way you look at it, James and Lily's deaths were not your fault. At some point Remus, you have to see that the Potters could have used Dumbledore as their Secret Keeper, or someone could have told Dumbledore about the switch to Pettigrew from Sirius, but they didn't. They thought they were safe with Pettigrew and they were wrong and as a result, they died and Sirius went to Azkaban'. Remus shook his head passionately, rising to his feet. 'You're surely not blaming the Potters or Sirius for what happened, because if you are….'

Tonks shook her head, 'No, I'm not blaming the Potters or Sirius, I'm just saying that they made a mistake and placed Pettigrew in a position where he could hurt them, but they weren't to know'. Tonks emitted a deep sigh and sat down, before going on, 'Look Remus, when you fell for Lily you couldn't possibly have known what was going to happen. I know what you did was wrong, but you can't spend the rest of your life punishing yourself for it. Sirius never forgave himself for refusing to be James and Lily's Secret Keeper and now he's gone. Remus please, accept that what you did was a mistake and forgive yourself. Accept that if Pettigrew hadn't turned to Voldemort James and Lily would still be alive, because that's the truth of it. At the end of the day, James and Lily turning to Pettigrew instead of Sirius or you isn't the point. The point is that Pettigrew turned traitor and allowed Voldemort to kill his friends. You made a mistake Remus, just a mistake, so forgive yourself and move on. Surely after tonight you have to see that life is too short to spend it regretting things we can't change. Remus you can't undo what you did, but hanging on to the past won't help. Please, forgive yourself and allow yourself to be happy….please'.

Remus Lupin sat down again in silence while Tonks was speaking. He sat listening to what she was saying, half of him wanting to argue with her and condemn himself and half desperate to grasp at the forgiveness she was granting him, or allowing him to grant to himself. He tried to tell himself she was wrong, that he had cost James and Lily their lives, but now he allowed himself to think again. Maybe she was right. Maybe it was just possible that if Pettigrew hadn't been prepared to turn to Voldemort, it wouldn't have mattered who their Secret Keeper was. Pettigrew went behind his friends backs to Voldemort and Voldemort killed them, maybe it was as simple as that after all. Maybe he could move on now….maybe…but then reality crashed down on him again. He had one more hurdle to climb before he could move on.

Remus cleared his throat, drawing Tonks's attention to him. He met her anxious gaze uncertainly. 'Nymphadora you'll never know how grateful I am for what you're trying to do, and I do want to believe you're right, truly, but even if you are, I still don't think you should commit yourself to me…'

Tonks sat up in her seat, her eyes blazing furiously, 'Remus, damn it, you make it sound like some sort of sacrifice on my part, but it isn't! Why can't you just accept that I love you, because I do Remus Lupin, I bloody well love you and nothing will ever change…..'

Remus interrupted Tonks's outburst with a deep sigh. Immediately Tonks shut up, taken aback for a moment. Remus sighed again before he spoke, his voice full of pain. 'Look Nymphadora, I…I love you…' Tonks eyes filled with tears and she moved towards him, but he stopped her with a wave of his hand. He sighed even more heavily than before. 'I love you, really I do, but don't you see, that makes it worse'. Tonks, tears flowing freely down her face, turned to him with confused eyes. He closed his eyes for a moment, gathering his thoughts before he went on. 'You have to understand Nymphadora, everyone I've ever cared for is gone, James, Lily, Sirius, even Pettigrew, in a way, and now Dumbledore…if I let myself be with you, and then something happened, I don't know what I'd do. I just don't think I could stand to lose someone else I love, especially you. Nymphadora, I love you so much, I couldn't bear to lose you too, so being alone is easier, it means I don't have to take the risk of being hurt again'. Now Remus had tears in his own eyes.

It took Tonks about a second to respond to Remus's words. She understood he was telling her he was afraid, afraid of something happening to her. He was so afraid of losing her he was prepared to push her away. With tears still flowing from her eyes she flung herself into his lap again and held him as tightly as she could. He tried to push her away, but she held fast, determined to make him see sense, in the end he gave up, his arms slipping around her as if by reflex. 'Being alone might be easier Remus, but do you really want to spend the rest of your life alone, knowing I love you, knowing that whatever happens, I will always love you? Do you really want to condemn us both to misery, because that's exactly what you'll be doing. You'll be condemning us both to a lonely life, all because you won't take a risk'.

Remus tried once more to escape Tonks's grasp, but she held on even tighter. 'You're young Nymphadora; you'll find someone else, someone else who'll love you as you deserve to be loved', he said, trying not to look at her pained expression for fear that if he did, he would give in. Tonks turned her face up to him, looking him straight in the eye. 'I won't find someone else, I don't want anyone else. I want you!' Tonks was almost shaking in frustration.

After her outburst Tonks had to take several deep breaths to calm herself, she rose from Remus's lap again. Stepping away from him, she faced him fixedly. 'Look Remus, I've said it often enough, I love you and whatever you say, I'll never stop loving you, but I'm not going to force you into something you don't want.' Remus opened his mouth to speak, but Tonks silenced him with a look. He stared at her and swallowed hard. Tonks went on, battling to control her emotions, 'I…I'm going to go upstairs for a while and have a lie down for an hour or so, maybe while I'm gone you could have a think about what you want from life. If you decide you can't be with me, you need to know that I'll get out of your life forever. If…' Tonks struggled to control the feelings that longed to pour out of her, 'If you turn me away you'll never see me again. I…I'd never cope with seeing you knowing I love you and you just wouldn't take a risk to be with me'.

Before Remus could reply Tonks turned from him and quietly left the room.


	4. Decision

A/N Well, here we are, another chapter of my story. Again, sorry for the delay, on top of decorating disruption I've now got laryngitis, so I'm not feeling too good. I'm really not sure the story is going the way I hoped when I started, but I just can't pinpoint where it feels wrong. Hopefully it will turn out right in the end, but some reviews would persuade me that I haven't written complete rubbish…yes, that's a hint! Do let me know what you think by submitting a review, it would help and you'd make me feel better!

**CHAPTER FOUR: DECISION**

Remus Lupin watched Nymphadora Tonks leave the room and slumped further down into his seat. He could just make out through a tiny gap in the living room curtains that dawn had finally broken. A new day had begun. Remus wondered what this day would bring. He knew, whatever choice he made, his life was about to change.

Remus ran a hand through his hair, making it stand up in all directions, before he reached out and smoothed it down again. He rubbed his hands over his face, as if to stir himself, but he knew he wasn't remotely tired; he had too much to think about for that. He stood and stretched a little before he softly paced the room, deep in thought.

As Remus paced, his mind turned over the events of the previous night. He still found it hard to believe Albus Dumbledore was dead, murdered by someone he had trusted, someone most people held in deep suspicion. Remus couldn't help but wonder what Severus Snape was doing now. If the previous night had been anything to go by, he knew Snape couldn't possibly be doing anything good.

Remus's mind turned to Harry Potter. Remus sensed the previous night had irrevocably changed Harry. The loss of Dumbledore indicated a move from Harry Potter, Lily and James Potter's baby boy, to Harry Potter, a man. Whatever vestige of childhood Harry Potter ever had died with Albus Dumbledore. Remus wondered how much more loss Harry could take. Even without being told Remus knew that whatever Voldemort had done to Harry in the past, it was nothing to what he would be capable of now Dumbledore was gone. Remus hoped Harry would find the strength to face whatever was coming.

Thinking of Harry brought Remus's mind back to the young woman upstairs. He thought of everything that had passed between them during the night. He began to wonder if she could really be right. Was it really true that he wasn't to blame for James and Lily's deaths? Remus could begin to see now that while it was true that if James had trusted him he could have been asked to be their Secret Keeper, the blame for the Potters deaths lay with Pettigrew and Voldemort. Tonks was right. If Pettigrew had not been prepared to become a traitor James and Lily would still be alive. It really was as simple as that.

Remus thought of Lily Potter and how, as much as he had believed he loved her once, the feeling had faded long ago. Lily was a treasured memory, someone who had been loyal and kind, a special friend, but the feeling of love Remus had once felt for her had, over time, returned to the friendship that it had once been. Remus knew now that if James, Lily and Sirius turned up now, alive and well, he could honestly say that he felt exactly the same for all of them, a special, loving friendship. However, Remus knew that could never happen, they were gone, and while they would never be forgotten, maybe it was time for him to move on.

Once more Remus thought of Tonks. In his mind he realised he was afraid of losing her, terrified that if he allowed himself to get close to her and then something terrible happened to her he would be alone, probably more alone than he had ever been before, because if he was with her he would be truly happy. To lose that once he had known it would be unbearable. Could he really go through such pain?

The realisation began to dawn on him that she had said that if he decided he couldn't be with her she would go. Remus stopped pacing and stood stock still as the effect of Tonks's words sank in. He thought of the space Tonks filled in his life, the companionship, the affection, the simple joy she brought, simply by being herself. He thought of the many months since before Sirius died, when the feelings of friendship he felt for her began to turn to something else. He remembered how at first he had thought it was just brotherly affection; after all, she was his friend's cousin.

Remus smiled at the memory of times Sirius picked up on the atmosphere between him and Tonks and tried desperately to push them together, leaving them alone, encouraging them to do things together, all with his usual lack of subtlety, then, when confronted, he denied he was doing any such thing.

As he stood, Remus thought of the year since Sirius's death, a year when Tonks had dropped any pretence of dancing around her feelings and had repeatedly told him she loved him. Remus remembered how hard he had tried to resist her, he had tried to argue with her, telling her she didn't love him, it was a crush, nothing more, but she wouldn't have it. Then he had tried to think of anything he could to keep them apart. He tried to make her see he was dangerous, he could hurt her when he was transformed, he was poor, too poor, and could never look after her, and, when that failed, he was too old, not exactly a father figure, but an older brother, a _much_ older brother. To each excuse Tonks had an answer. She loved him. She was an Auror and knew about danger. She didn't care about anything else, she didn't want money. She loved him. She didn't think of him as a brother, older or otherwise, she loved him. As a woman loves a man, she loved him.

Remus thought of the previous night in the Hospital Wing at Hogwarts. He thought of how Tonks had confronted him with her feelings in front of everyone. He remembered how steadfast she had been, leaving everyone with no illusion of the strength of her feelings, and how they would not change, regardless of what happened. Now, instead of asking himself if it was right to accept what she was offering, he began to ask himself if he could bear to give her up. Could he turn her away, knowing he loved her? Could he return to his old life, return to the loneliness he had known, when he knew she was out there somewhere and she loved him? As much as he was terrified of losing her, wasn't it better to take a chance on happiness for now, rather than face an eternity of wondering what might have been? Even if the worst happened and he lost her, wouldn't it be better to grab the chance of some happiness rather than regret a lost opportunity?

Remus Lupin suddenly felt lighter than he had for years. He realised now that he could never give up the chance Tonks was offering him, the chance to love and be loved in return. He realised that what she was offering him was unconditional, that nothing, not his lchanthropy, his poverty, his age, or even a past mistake would make any difference. Remus realised if he turned away this chance of happiness he would be making them both miserable, hurting Tonks for no good reason. He had spent months insisting that he didn't want to hurt her, blind to the fact that in refusing her love, he would do exactly that, because regardless of whether she was with him or not, her feelings wouldn't change.

Feeling more alive than he had felt for years, Remus smiled before he quickly left the room and ran upstairs, not even turning back when the portrait of Sirius's mother yelled at him.

A/N This was going to be the last chapter, but I ended up feeling inspired, so one more I think….if you review.


	5. Life

A/N Thanks for the reviews, especially to two people especially, you both know who you are! The idea of the first part of this fic was to fill in some of the detail of a storyline in my James and Lily fic, The Alpha and The Omega, and I think I have done that, however, I feel like writing the situation as a James and Lily fic in its own right…particularly because one reader of The A and The O requested it! If people still want me to do that, let me know in a review. You may also tell me if this is enough and more would be overkill!

Thanks again for the reviews, though more would be great…please. Now, enough from me, back to the story.

**CHAPTER FIVE: LIFE**

Remus Lupin hastily climbed the stairs, his hand grabbing on to the banister, pulling himself closer to his goal. His heart began to race, not from nerves, even in his current state, he knew he didn't feel remotely nervous, but from sheer exhilaration. He felt the excitement pumping through his veins and knew he had never felt more alive in his life.

Reaching the top of the stairs at last, Remus turned and began to bang his fist against a door. He had studied Tonks enough to know that this first room at the top of the stairs was the one she used when she was at Grimmauld Place. He had never been able to understand her preference for this particular room. It wasn't the most spacious, the view wasn't particularly special. It was, at the end of the day, just a bedroom. He had persuaded himself that the fact he used the room next door was purely a coincidence. Now he began to see how she had been trying to get close to him for all these months, never leaving, never changing, but always there, by his side, and he had stupidly pushed her away because he was afraid. Taking a deep breath, Remus vowed he wouldn't be making that mistake again. Not ever.

Raising his hand once more, Remus thumped on the bedroom door again. 'Nymphadora!' he yelled, not even considering he might wake her up, or set Mrs Black off screaming again. A few seconds passed and nothing happened, so Remus took another breath and thumped harder on the door, his hand turned in a fist, 'Nymphadora, wake up!' he bellowed, his urgency wiping away his usual calm composure. He could feel the sweat forming on his brow, but he didn't care. All that mattered was the woman behind the door and his need to be with her.

Suddenly a horrible thought formed in the back of Remus's mind. What if she had gone? What if she had given up on him and had apparated out of this house and his life forever? Panic overcame his excitement and he thumped on the door once more, and yelled her name again, louder than ever, all the while resisting the temptation to use his wand. It was at moments like this when Remus wished he had been more like Sirius! If this was Sirius, he would have used Alohamora and the door would be open by now. Instead, he was Remus Lupin, so he was standing here waiting for her to open the…his mind stalled abruptly as the door handle turned and the door began to open.

Nymphadora Tonks lay on her bed twisting and turning the events of the last few hours over in her mind. She smiled lightly to herself at the thought that if she had achieved nothing else last night she had at last got Remus to admit he loved her. The feeling his words provoked passed through her again, a warm sensation that spread through her whole body, making her toes curl and her head swim. Then, when she was sat on his lap, in his arms, the feeling of being so close to him and never wanting to leave, if he'd allow her to stay and love him. She sighed heavily and wondered if she would ever get the chance to be that close to him again. What if he decided he couldn't let go of the past? What if he was so afraid of it all ending, he wouldn't risk starting something? What if, no matter how much he loved her, he couldn't see past the obstacles he had placed between them? What if….?

Tonks was suddenly pulled from her thoughts by the sound of Mrs Black's portrait yelling. She sat up and then froze…perhaps it was Remus leaving; maybe he couldn't face her again, so he had just left, disturbing the dead old hag in the process. Tonks flopped back down on the bed, fighting back the urge to get up and go after him. She took a breath to steady herself and tried to tell herself that this was it, he had made his choice. Then she heard someone yelling, a low voice, a voice clearly not used to wild outbursts of emotion, a voice that was normally so calm, soft and reasonable. Remus was still there and he was yelling her name for all he was worth!

Rising quickly from the bed Tonks took another deep breath before she could move. She pushed down a feeling of hope, perhaps he had decided to come and tell her he was going, perhaps he had decided to say goodbye. But then, if that was the case, why was he shouting? The hopeful sensation stirred inside Tonks once more. She heard Remus's voice again, this time sounding almost afraid. She wondered what he could possibly have to be afraid of, or maybe he dreaded the thought of losing her as much as she feared leaving him. The feeling of hope tugged on Tonks's heart once more as she stepped forward and turned the handle on the bedroom door. Easing the door open at last she came face to face with Remus Lupin, who was standing there, mouth open in a gape, his eyes wide, perhaps with fear or maybe….hope?

Tonks opened the door and looked up at the man standing in front of her. He was staring at her as if he half expected her to disappear in front of him. His mouth was still hanging open until, just a second later, he appeared to realise he was staring and he gulped, but still his eyes didn't stray from her. To Tonks he looked as if he was seeing her for the first time, and, in a sense, she hoped he was. She wanted him to see just _her_, not the difficulties, not his fears, but her, and her love for him.

The two stood in the doorway of Tonks's room, staring at one another, each trying to work out what the other was thinking. Tonks tried to pull herself together. She knew that if one of them didn't do something soon the staring would become embarrassing. But then, to her amazement, Remus swallowed again, before he spoke, his tone sounding…..yes, there was no mistaking it, _hopeful_.

Remus faced Tonks and knew that this was it, the moment of truth. Now was the time to put his cards on the table and face up to his feelings. Now was the time to be honest. Now was the time to stop hiding behind the past and grab a chance at a future, a future with her, if she still wanted him. The thought struck Remus that perhaps, after everything, she might not want him. Perhaps now, after he had taken so long to face things, she would decide she didn't want him after all. The thought made him feel nervous. He realised he was staring at her and gulped hard in agitation. Then, as he stood staring, Remus remembered, she had told him she loved him, not just once, but over and over for months. Every time he tried to push her away and resisted her attempts to care for him, she was still there, resolutely determined to love him, no matter what. The thought gave him strength, and swallowing once more, he spoke, his voice conveying all his hopes for the future.

'I…' in spite of himself, a hint of nerves crept into Remus's voice. Why was this so difficult and where the hell was Sirius when he needed him? Tonks stood patiently, waiting for him to go on, her heart beginning to thud dramatically. Remus took a breath and started again, an image of Sirius giving him a shove in his mind. He looked into Tonks's eyes and without even thinking about it, reached out and took her hands in his. She looked at him quizzically, but seemed to have lost the ability to speak, so Remus edged forward a little, closing the small gap between their bodies, still holding her gaze with his own.

Tonks's eyes widened, but still she said nothing. Her hands were held tightly in his, almost against his chest. She fought the urge to slide them up around his neck, until he opened his mouth once more, his voice now low and stronger than before. 'I've made up my mind, I know what I want'. He edged closer still as he spoke, releasing her hands and sliding his around her waist.

Tonks thought her heart would burst. Remus Lupin was standing here, practically holding her in his arms, and looking more certain than she had ever known him. As if on instinct, she stopped fighting herself and slid her arms up around his neck and leaned in, bringing herself closer to him than she had been even when she was on his lap earlier. She smothered a smile as she felt his body react to her nearness. She sighed and found her voice at last, 'oh really?' She wondered for a moment why her voice sounded so husky all of a sudden and why she had lost the ability to use words of more than two syllables, but the thought vanished as Remus smiled and edged even closer, pressing his body against hers. 'Yes, I know now exactly what I want'.

As he spoke, his arms tightened around Tonks and her head spun. Now her heart was hammering in her chest, breathing was becoming difficult and she was so light headed she wondered how she was staying on her feet. Then Remus tightened his grip on her and she knew. He was literally holding her up; her legs had completely turned to jelly. Looking deeply into his eyes, eyes that were full of emotions she couldn't quite read, Tonks spoke once more, forcing herself to sound almost casual, which was far from how she felt, _very_ far. 'Oh, that's good…so, what is it? What is it that you want Remus?' Her breath caught in the back of her throat as she replied, making her voice sound huskier than before.

Remus Lupin stood holding Nymphadora Tonks closer to his body than he had held any woman for years and decided that either God had decided to intervene directly on his behalf, Sirius Black had taken up residence in his body or that perhaps he had drunk much more firewhiskey than he had realised in the night. He tried to work out why he wasn't trying to get out of the situation he was in. The old Remus would have been out the door ages ago. In fact, the old Remus wouldn't have run up the stairs like that and practically hammered a bedroom door down. The old Remus would have been terrified, afraid of taking a chance for fear of being hurt again. Then as he stood, Remus knew that the old Remus, shy, nervous, afraid of his own feelings, was gone, replaced by someone who knew exactly what he wanted. No, he quickly corrected himself, someone who _already_ had exactly what he wanted right here, in his arms. Now all he had to do was take that one last step and she would be there, with him, he was certain of it. Looking intently into Tonks's eyes, Remus smiled again and leaned closer to her, his lips almost brushing hers, 'I want you Nymphadora, just you'. The words seemed to fall from his lips of their own accord, but he knew he would never take them back. He wanted her, he would _always_ want her.

Tonks didn't reply, instead she heaved a sigh and pulled Remus's lips down to hers. Responding to her immediately, Remus brought her even closer to him, so not even a hair could have got between them and kissed her, a kiss full of all the emotions they had felt and he had fought, for so long.

The kiss seemed never ending, the two stood in the doorway of the bedroom, holding on to each other as if their lives depended on it, their lips joined as if they couldn't bear to let the other go. Soon the need to breathe caught up with Remus and he opened his mouth. Tonks took advantage of the fact and, not taking her lips from his, slipped her tongue into his mouth. This new intimacy awoke a spark somewhere inside Remus and he moaned in the back of his throat while, lifting Tonks up against him, so her toes barely brushed the floor, he held her as he began to step into the room, before he kicked the door shut with the heel of his shoe.

The click of the bedroom door as it closed, enclosing the two people inside, sent a shiver down Remus's spine. Leaning against the closed door for support, he deepened his kiss once more, causing Tonks to moan and run her fingers through his hair before her hands settled on his shoulders and gripped, her nails digging into the fabric of his robes. The sensation drew another moan from him and he pulled her against him, his hands moving from her waist down to her hips, making her sigh and rub her hips against his. Instinctively Remus's hands pressed her against him tighter, leaving her in no doubt of the effect she was having on him. Remus could feel his heart rate quicken and the blood as it coursed like a train through his veins. He knew as he leaned against that bedroom door, his legs almost turning to liquid beneath him, he had never wanted anyone in his life as much as the young woman whose body was almost joined to his. Then suddenly, the thought of where this might lead made him uncertain. He reminded himself that the previous day they weren't even a couple, but now, here they were, kissing, holding each other and perhaps about to do something that neither of them would ever be able to take back. Reality cut in and he pulled his lips away from Tonks.

As Remus pulled his lips away, Tonks realised immediately that something was wrong. Just a few seconds ago he had been kissing her, matching her longing for him with equal passion, now he seemed unsure of himself, as if he suddenly didn't know what to do. She looked up at him, her arms still holding him tightly, not wanting to let him go. She sighed, 'Remus, what is it? Have you changed your mind, are you about to tell me you're leaving me again, because if you are…' In spite of herself Tonks could feel the tears building in the back of her throat.

Remus saw Tonks standing in his arms, tears almost forming in her eyes and couldn't help himself. He pulled her into his arms and held her, stroking her back tenderly, trying to wipe away some of the hurt he knew he must have caused her when he suddenly changed gear. As he held her he sighed and shook his head decisively. 'No, you have to believe me Nymphadora. I haven't changed my mind, most definitely. I love you, I mean it, and I do want you, but this…' Tonks eased out of his arms and looked up at him in confusion. 'What is it then?' she asked urgently, trying not to sound frustrated. She could still feel him around her, still taste him on her lips, but suddenly, though he was just an inch or so away, he appeared to have put the shutters down again and she could hardly stand it.

Remus took a step away from Tonks and wondered how he could possibly explain to her, how could he make her understand the feelings he had? How could he make her understand the inadequacy he felt, that here she was, young and beautiful, and there was him, certainly no longer young and definitely not anywhere near beautiful, with scars all over his body? How could he explain to her that it had been so long since he had been in this situation he hardly knew what he was doing? In the end he decided he would just have to say it. If he wanted to move on at all, he would have to confront all of it and let her make up her own mind. Stepping forward once more Remus took Tonks's hands in his again, almost having to turn away from the pained look in her eyes. He reached up and stroked her cheek lovingly as he began to speak. 'I'm just scared that when you see me, you know, see me properly…' he resisted the word 'naked', allowing his eyes to show his meaning.

To his amazement, Tonks suddenly closed the space between them and took him back into her arms, a sigh escaping as she pulled him close, her eyes full of comprehension. 'Oh Remus!' she exclaimed, holding on to him tightly, 'I know all about the scars! Sirius told me ages ago and….well I know you're a werewolf, so I know you must have hurt yourself sometimes, so you don't need to worry about that…it isn't as if I'm perfect is it?' She smiled so lovingly at him, Remus had to swallow hard. The woman really was incredible! He was jolted from his thoughts by the sound of her voice again. 'I don't care what you look like Remus…' she suddenly stopped in mid-sentence, a blush breaking through on her cheeks. Remus wondered if it was possible for a woman to become even more beautiful as you look at her. In her case he thought it was. She smiled up at him almost shyly, making his heart turn over in his chest. 'I love you Remus, I really, really love you and I don't care about the scars. I want to be with you Remus, in every way. I love you and it doesn't matter to me how many scars you've got. I just love you'.

The earnest appeal in her tone almost broke him, but he held himself in check and went on, holding her once more, as tightly as she was holding him. 'I love you too, and I do want us to be together, but you need to know I…I haven't…' Remus couldn't finish. Suddenly he felt like the biggest fool in the world. He wanted the ground to open up and swallow him, he felt so embarrassed. A look of understanding crossed Tonks's features once more. 'Are you telling me you've never…because it doesn't matter Remus, it really doesn't…' She was interrupted by Remus's eyes widening and his head shaking firmly, 'No, I'm not telling you I'm a virgin!' he exclaimed, almost too quickly. Tonks met his mortified expression with a confused look of her own. 'Well what then?' she demanded; unable to understand why he suddenly looked so horrified.

Remus took a deep breath; he knew there was no going back now. He had to tell her the truth, all of it. He sighed, 'After James and Lily died I promised myself I wouldn't get involved with anyone again…' Tonks groaned, interrupting Remus, 'I thought we'd moved on from that Remus, but if…' Remus Lupin nodded, 'We have, really, but I need to tell you all of it, if you'll let me'. Tonks nodded, words failing her. What else could there be?

Remus stepped about a foot away from Tonks. He knew he would never be able to say what he had to say if he stayed close to her. He sighed heavily and went on, needing to unload everything from his past. 'I was fine for a while, trying to deal with what had happened. For a few days after James and Lily died I suppose I was in shock. I felt numb, as if it was all unreal. Then the reality hit me and I had to accept that it was true. It was then that I started to feel guilty…and so lonely. I blamed myself for James and Lily's deaths, I thought Peter was dead and Sirius had been locked up, for life, or so I thought. I had no one to turn to Nymphadora. I couldn't go to Dumbledore. I knew he felt guilty too, for not being there when James and Lily needed him most. So I tried to deal with it alone. I was so lonely, anyone who had ever really meant anything to me was gone. I needed something, _anything_ to make the pain stop, even for a while, so one night I went to Knockturn Alley. I…' Remus hesitated for an instant, his courage failing, but he knew this had to be said before he could move on. 'I found someone, a woman, and I paid her…'

Remus was interrupted by Tonks inhaling sharply as she gasped. 'You paid a prostitute to…?' The rest of the question died on her lips. She couldn't have been more shocked if he'd slapped her.

Remus Lupin saw the stunned look in Tonks's eyes and felt his world crash around him. In that moment he was convinced he had lost her. How could they possibly go on from an admission like that? How could she be expected to love him now? He had ruined himself for her and now she would reject him and he would deserve it. But suddenly he couldn't give up. He couldn't let her leave him without trying to make her understand. He was prepared to beg if he had to. Now he had found her, he couldn't just let go, not without even trying to change her mind. She was staring at him, her disbelief written all over her face. 'I swear, it was just once' he said, self disgust and dismay filling him as he watched her listening intently, as if she was struggling to absorb what he was saying. 'I was just so lonely and I didn't know what else to do. It just hurt so much, losing them all like that, being so alone, I just wanted the pain to stop….I wanted it all to stop Nymphadora, but it didn't. If anything it made it worse. I hated it. I couldn't believe I'd done something so stupid, so degrading, so…so _dirty_', he shuddered at himself as he spoke, his eyes meeting hers, pleading with her to understand that he hated what he had done as much as she did.

He carried on, desperate to make her see he had done something stupid, something he would regret forever. 'I swear to you Nymphadora, I know what I did was disgusting and you'd have every right to hate me, but I promise you, I promise on Harry Potter's life, I have never done anything like that since, and I will never, _ever_ do it again. I love you Nymphadora. I love you and I wish I could undo that terrible night, change things so I had never gone to that awful place, but I can't. I have to live with what I did. If you feel you can't be with me now I'll understand. I just want you to know that I love you, even if I've made you hate me I still love you, that won't change'. Remus was resolute; he needed her to know he meant every word.

Tonks stood staring at Remus, almost too stunned to think. She could hardly believe his admission that he, decent, respectable, shy Remus Lupin, had paid someone to sleep with him. Tonks had heard enough rumours about the sort of women who worked in Knockturn Alley at night to be utterly amazed. She couldn't even imagine the Remus she knew in that situation. If she hadn't known he was honest, she would have sworn he was making it up. But then Tonks realised that the man who had made that mistake was _not_ the Remus she knew. That young man of fifteen years ago had thought he had lost anyone important to him, he had been so desperately lonely he had taken comfort from anyone prepared to give it, only to find that it hadn't comforted him at all, but added to his loneliness and made him feel more worthless than he had before.

Now, as never before, Tonks understood the depth of the losses Remus had endured. She understood the loneliness he had felt in the past, and must surely have felt again when Sirius died. She knew now why he had been so reluctant to get involved with her, but now he had and she wasn't going to give up on it. She knew that they had both done things in the past they both wished they could change, but none of that mattered. What mattered now was the future, a future they would share together. With that thought in mind she stepped closer to him.

Once he had finished speaking Remus stood and waited for the moment when Tonks would turn around and leave him. He was torn between watching her and feeling the need to look away. The shocked expression on her face almost broke his heart. Again he asked himself how they could possibly move on from this. Then he decided they couldn't. He had managed to ruin things before they had even had a chance to begin. He looked at Tonks once more and saw her eyes studying him as if she was deep in thought. He persuaded himself that she was thinking about how she was going to get herself out of the situation with him. Then he braced himself as she moved. He convinced himself she was leaving. He was stunned when, in the next moment, she was standing right in front of him. He looked at her quizzically, 'Nymphadora….?' He stopped, not even sure of what he was trying to say. She stepped closer to him and, meeting his gaze, she slipped her arms around his neck. Remus thought his heart would stop at any moment. She couldn't possibly still want him! Again, he looked at her, saw her eyes shining brightly at him. She smiled softly at him before, to his astonishment, she spoke, 'Remus do you love me, I mean really love me?'

Remus's mouth dropped open. He could hardly take in that Tonks was still there, still asking if he loved her. If anything, he should be asking her, or begging her to forgive his mistakes and love him! Dumbly he nodded before he found his voice again. 'Yes, of course I do, more than anything, but….' Tonks smiled again and edged closer still. Remus's breath caught in the back of his throat and he slipped his arms around her waist just as he had before. Tonks reached up and stroked Remus's cheek with her hand, never taking her eyes off his face. The action was so tender it tore at Remus's heart. He held on to her tighter, afraid that any moment he would wake from this incredible dream and she would be gone. However, before that could happen, Tonks spoke, her eyes burning with emotion, her hand stroking his cheek, soothing him. 'I have to admit, I was shocked by what you just said...'

Remus braced himself again, sure that the end had come, he opened his mouth to say something, but Tonks placed a gentle finger over his lips, silencing him. '…but I do understand now what you went through, the pain you suffered and how lonely you were…'

Once more Remus opened his mouth, his heart thumping, but Tonks silenced him again by placing the four fingertips of her hand softly over his lips. Taken aback by her tender touch he listened, still hardly able to believe she was still there. She gazed up at him steadily, her eyes never leaving his. 'I know there are things we have both done in the past that we wish we could change.' Remus went to open his mouth once more, but Tonks held her hand over his lips. He had no choice but to remain silent. She continued to gaze up at him softly. 'The thing is Remus, we can't change the past, we can only learn from it and move forward to the future. I want to do that with you Remus, if you still want me'.

Remus could hardly believe his ears. She was still there, and even now, even after everything he had told her, she still wanted him. He looked at her and saw her waiting for him to reply, she had taken her hand away from his lips. 'She's always waiting around for me to make up my mind' he thought. Suddenly he realised that there was nothing to decide any more. She loved him, she wanted him. He loved her; he needed her like he'd never needed anyone else before. He couldn't give her up.

Silently, he took her hand again. He turned it so that once more, the palm was turned towards him. He heard Tonks gasp and felt the atmosphere in the room change when he leaned down a little and placed a kiss right in the centre of her palm. 'Remus…' Tonks breathed, as he focused all of his attention on the hand he was holding. Again he kissed the palm, allowing his lips to caress her skin, before he began to place delicate kisses over the rest of her hand and along the lengths of her slim fingers. He shivered when he heard a moan escape from Tonks. Allowing her hand to fall, he looked up into her eyes. She was gazing at him, her eyes misty with desire. He reached out, and with a sigh, she moved into his arms. They clung to each other for a moment, their hearts racing, before Remus cupped Tonks's cheeks between his hands and placed his lips on hers. This time there was no room for discomfort, uncertainty or embarrassment. All that flowed between them was love and the knowledge that they had found each other at last.

The kisses became deeper, the embrace they were wrapped in tighter. It was as if, in that moment, the only thing in the world was them and their need for each other. However, soon, Tonks breathlessly edged her lips away. She looked into Remus's eyes, her arms holding him to her. He knew what she wanted before she spoke, but he waited for her to ask. He could still hardly believe she wanted him, seeing the evidence that she did in her eyes thrilled him. Tonks suddenly took Remus's hands in hers and stepped back, moving slowly towards the bed. 'Make love to me Remus…please?'

That last word came out as a question, as if she was still waiting for him. Holding her hands in his, knowing he loved her and feeling more sure of himself than he had ever felt in his life, Remus silently nodded.

A/N I hate to say this (well, ok, I don't really!) but there will be one more chapter in this story, if you review, of course!


	6. Together

A/N Once again (this must be getting boring now!) sorry for the slow update. This time my flash drive, which stores all my stories has stopped working. It's a disaster, or it would be if the back up facility on this site didn't work so well. I had my first few stories on my PC, though in what form, who knows, so that's ok, so I had to back this one up back to my pc, and I struggled to find a minute to do that. The trouble was, I couldn't finish the story until I had.

Anyway, thanks as ever, to all my reviewers and readers. This really will be the final chapter of this story. I have been asked if the story will have a sequel, but unless inspiration hits, I think not. It will however, have a prequel, because I have decided that I will be writing the first part of this, i.e. the James/Lily/Remus issue as a story in its own right. I intend to do that as soon as possible, so watch this space. I have a title for it. It will be called A Moment of Madness. I also have a plot in my head for an AU James and Lily fic, and perhaps even another James and Lily one-shot.

Anyway, enough of my rambling, on with the story. As ever, please read and review.

**CHAPTER SIX: TOGETHER**

Nymphadora Tonks walked backwards until the backs of her legs touched the side of the bed. All the time she moved, she never loosed her hold on Remus's hands or took her dark eyes from his own grey orbs. She marvelled at how coordinated she was, walking backwards easily, without tripping or falling over herself. Normally Nymphadora Tonks was a clumsy, graceless creature. Now, the intense gaze of the man she loved with all her heart made her feel like the most graceful, beautiful woman in the world. _He_ made her feel like that.

Remus Lupin held on to Tonks's hands as she stepped backwards, each step taking her closer to the bed. He found himself completely unable to take his eyes off her. An intense surge of love rose up inside him, now mixed with another feeling. As he looked down on her, he knew that what they were about to do was right. He knew he wanted her, not just physically, but in every way. He knew he loved her, knew he wanted to give her everything he was capable of giving, even his body. His heart began to thud in his chest at the thought that he could see the same feelings echoed in her eyes.

Soon Tonks's legs came into contact with the side of the bed and she stilled. She stood Remus's hands still in hers, their gazes still locked together. It was as if they were trying to absorb one another through their eyes. Soon she sensed that one of them would have to make the next move and she slipped her hands out of Remus's, thinking it would have to be her, but she was taken aback for a moment when suddenly Remus's hands slipped down her arms until he came to just above her elbows, where he gripped firmly but gently and pulled her body against his, dropping his lips to hers and kissing her with such passion she almost felt faint. It took a second for her to respond, but soon she did, moaning softly, the pressure of their lips, joined together, smothering the sound. Remus Lupin was holding her to him so firmly she could feel his body's reactions to her through his robes. She thrilled in her ability to make him respond to her so easily, so, edging even closer, she deliberately pressed her body against him, smiling to herself as his body responded more, making him gasp and groan '_Nymphadora!_' in a voice low with desire. His moan of her name in a tone that she had never heard him use before convinced her that he wanted her every bit as much as she wanted him. She knew that the way he was making her feel, even with such a simple act as kissing, could never be matched with anyone else. For Nymphadora Tonks this was it, the only man she would ever love was here, in her arms, and he wanted her.

The two exchanged kisses over and over, completely wrapped up in the new feeling of being together, with no barriers, fears or regrets between them. Soon however, the need to breathe caught up with them both. Reluctantly, they edged their lips apart, still holding each other close. Remus caught his breath and stroked Tonks's cheek lovingly, 'I do love you, you know that, don't you?' he asked, his eyes burning with all the feelings he had tried, and failed, to hide for so long. Tonks smiled brightly and ran her hand through the hair at the nape of Remus's neck. 'Yes, I know you do, I've known for a long time, even when you kept pushing me away I knew you loved me really'. Remus Lupin sighed heavily and took Tonks's heart-shaped face in his hands again, 'You never gave up did you, even after all the times I pushed you away, tried to deny my feelings for you, you still came back. I don't understand why you did it, but I'm glad you did', he smiled almost sadly at her, his eyes full of regret for all the time he had wasted. Tonks kissed him softly on the lips before she replied, 'I kept coming back because I love you Remus, it's simple. I just love you, and once I knew for sure you felt the same, nothing was going to stand in my way, even you' she grinned cheekily, drawing a low rumble of laughter from him. 'Well you're persistent I have to give you that!' he laughed. She suddenly became more serious, 'I would never have given up really you know, even if you'd come up here and told me you couldn't be with me I still would have waited for you'. Remus Lupin had to swallow hard before he could reply, moved by the depth of feeling in her words, the tears built in the back of his throat. Finally finding his voice, he spoke, 'Well you don't need to wait any more Nymphadora. I'm here and I love you….so much', then he kissed her softly once more.

Within a moment the kiss, which had started off so gentle and tender, became deep and passionate once more, as the two were lost in each other again. After a breathless moment Tonks inched her way from Remus's lips. She gazed into his eyes again before she lowered her hands to the hem of the long Weird Sisters t-shirt she had put on earlier when she had come upstairs for a lie-down. She was also wearing a pair of ankle-socks with silver stars on them. She wished for a moment that she could have been wearing something more attractive than the casual outfit she usually slept in at Grimmauld Place, but, judging by the look in Remus's eyes he didn't appear to mind. His eyes locked with hers again and suddenly he seemed to be holding his breath. 'Are you all right Remus? Is this all right really, because if it isn't we can stop. We could just go to bed to sleep if you like?' She thought she might be moving too fast for him, he might want to stop, even if his eyes were beginning to glow. Remus shook his head, breaking into a slight grin, 'I think you're stealing my lines Nymphadora', then he straightened his face, looking at her intently. 'Are _you_ sure you want this, because, as you say, we can stop if you don't'. He waited for her answer, almost feeling nervous again. He wondered for a moment how he would feel if she did want to stop. Now that they had sorted everything out between them he knew he wanted her completely, it felt right. He hoped she felt the same. He was pulled from his thoughts as Tonks began to pull up the t-shirt she was wearing. It was moving higher and higher up her legs. It had started below her knees, but now it was almost at her thighs. 'I do want this Remus, more than anything' she said softly, before once more, she began to pull the t-shirt higher.

Remus Lupin watched as Nymphadora Tonks moved towards revealing herself to him. His heart began to hammer so hard it felt like it had shifted from his chest to the back of his throat. He swallowed hard to try to stem the wave of feeling that was beginning to overwhelm him. He knew, as he watched her, he had never wanted anyone in his life as much as her. His breath caught in the back of his throat as the t-shirt between Tonks's hands rose higher, above her legs, now gradually revealing the pale skin of her slim stomach to his eyes. He ached to reach out and touch her, but stopped himself. He didn't want to risk rushing her, scared that if he did, he would offend her. However, Tonks suddenly seemed to have other ideas. Holding the t-shirt halfway up her ribcage, she looked deeply into Remus's eyes, her gaze so full of longing it made his heart thump faster than ever. Then, to his amazement, Tonks spoke, her voice husky as it had been earlier. 'If you like, you could help me….you could help me take this off'. She took a breath as she finished. It was as if she had struggled to put the words together at all.

Remus wondered once more at the young woman, whose intense gaze reflected his own love and desire. He could still hardly take in that she wanted him as much he wanted her, but as he watched her, he could clearly see the evidence that she did in her eyes. Knowing that he wanted her, knowing that he loved her more than he would ever be able to express, Remus stepped closer and enclosed his hands over hers, the t-shirt held between them both. Locking his gaze with hers once more, he nodded. Slowly the two raised their hands together, bringing the t-shirt higher over Tonks's body. They eased it over her head and then away altogether. Tonks threw the garment to the floor, where it landed softly. She lowered her arms to her sides and stared into Remus's face, waiting for him to respond.

Remus Lupin stood, arms now at his sides, and took in the most beautiful sight he had ever seen. Nymphadora Tonks was standing in front of him, almost naked. He wondered for a moment why he didn't feel nervous at this point. The thought of seeing a woman in this way, after so many years, the thought that soon she would expect him to show himself in the same way, probably should have unnerved him, or embarrassed him in some way. However, as he gazed on her, he felt completely comfortable. An incredible peace had suddenly washed over him, he knew now that he was ready to show this remarkable woman just how much he loved her.

Remus continued to allow his eyes to focus on Tonks. He looked deeply into her eyes, which were cloudy with longing. He took in her body, her pale skin, which appeared as smooth as silk. Remus's gaze took in Tonks's perfect figure. Her body was obviously trim and slim, as an Auror she had to be fit. However, her muscle tone didn't make her look masculine, as some might suspect. Instead, the toned form her body took was feminine in the extreme, her slim frame accentuating the curves of her breasts and hips. Remus Lupin suddenly understood what people meant by an hour glass figure. As far as he could see, Nymphadora Tonks was the most beautiful hour glass he had ever seen. Edging closer, he smiled softly at her, 'You're so beautiful' he whispered, his voice catching in his throat. His body was aching for her, his heart thumped loudly in his ears. Tonks smiled wryly, 'I'm not beautiful, you're just being kind to me'. Remus Lupin shook his head firmly, before he reached out and took her face in his hands; he stroked her cheeks with his thumbs, feeling her shiver in response to his touch. He stared deeply into her eyes, 'I'm not being kind to you at all. I'm telling you; you're a very beautiful woman Nymphadora'.

Tonks's face lit up in an expression of pure joy, no one else had ever told her she was beautiful, no one else had ever looked at her the way he was looking at her, like she was the most precious thing in the world to him. She sighed contentedly before she eased closer into Remus's arms, closing the gap between their bodies. 'Show me how beautiful you think I am Remus' her voice was hardly louder than a whisper.

Remus Lupin didn't need to be asked twice, he took Nymphadora Tonks into a firm embrace, her body brushing against his robes. He gently pressed his lips to hers in a tender kiss. Soon however, he knew that kissing her wasn't enough any more. He wanted her; he loved her more than anything. He took his lips from hers and, looking into her eyes, he waited for her to nod to indicate she was ready for him to go on. She smiled lovingly and nodded. Remus's heart continued its thumping as he slowly raised his hands and took Tonk's face between them once more. He gently kissed her lips again as he began to slowly brush his fingertips over her face and down, along the elegant contours of her neck. As his lips left hers, he allowed them to follow the path his fingers had taken. Tonks moaned in response and stepped back again, before beginning to lower herself down on to the bed. Remus felt her move and instinctively put his arms around her and supported her as she eased herself to the bed. Soon she was on her back on the bed, Remus laying over her. She moaned as their bodies touched, hers almost naked, his still fully clothed. She gasped as Remus raised himself a little and began kissing her neck again, nipping softly as he went.

Tonks moaned deeply as Remus's hands and lips continued to worship her. She sensed that he was completely wrapped up in her, that he was holding off from taking anything for himself until he had shown her the depth of his love. Her breathing was becoming ragged as Remus's lips travelled along her neck to her exposed chest. She could hardly believe that this was the man she thought was shy. Now, far from shy, he was taking control, kissing her chest attentively, while in between kisses he was whispering words of love and telling her once more that she was beautiful. She shivered under the intensity of the feelings flowing between them. Never before had she experienced anything so intimate with another person. Though she knew that this wasn't her first time by any means, it was her first time with this man, the first time with someone she knew she was in love with, the man, she knew, she wanted to be with for the rest of her life. She moaned when she felt Remus's lips and fingers moving slowly closer to her breasts. She arched her back into him, the sensations he was causing on her skin driving her mad. She almost wished he would move a little faster. He was slow and loving, but still intensely passionate, but she longed for him to touch her where she needed him most. She felt her body shudder and heat rise within her when he carefully placed his hand over her left breast, covering it, then he suddenly looked up into her eyes again. He sighed. 'Your heart is racing, I can feel it, are you sure you're all right?' he asked softly. Tonks nodded, seeing the concerned look in his eyes. 'I'm fine', she sighed, almost wishing he would stop being so concerned and just touch her, 'my heart races like that all the time when you're around'. Tonks resisted the temptation to roll her eyes at the corniness of what she had just said, she mentally chided herself for sounding so girly, but Remus didn't seem to mind. He was smiling at her, a smile full of love and happiness. Then, with one last loving smile he lowered his head and began to kiss her breasts.

Remus Lupin was totally absorbed by the woman lying beneath him. He wanted make up for all the lost time, he needed her to know he felt as deeply for her as she did for him. Still, he could hardly believe what he was doing, touching her, kissing her, giving so much of himself. For years he had pushed away most of his emotions, fearing that if he allowed himself to let go, he would be hurt, or other people would end up hurt because of him. Now, for the first time in years he felt completely free to show his feelings.

Just for a moment Remus allowed his mind to wander to the past. Remus knew that at school Sirius had got the reputation of the ladies man, and for the most part it was true. There was a succession of girls who followed him around, dancing to his every tune. He would be aloof to all of them in public just in case any of them worked out that he actually involved with _all_ of them….at the same time. Sirius had only really changed his ways when the Potters went on the run. Life suddenly seemed to hit Sirius Black on the nose at that point. He was never the same care-free person again. Remus couldn't help but wonder if Sirius had ever known anything like this, the feeling of wanting someone, but also the knowledge that you love someone completely and they love you back as much. Somehow he thought not. Remus's heart ached for his friend. Sirius Black had missed out on so much in life, and now he was gone. Sometimes life could be cruel, and Sirius had been dealt the cruellest of hands.

James Potter, on the other hand, had a certain reputation at Hogwarts, but it was mostly talk. He would flirt with girls, smiling and messing around with his hair, but he never got involved with any of them. James only ever wanted one girl, and in the end he had got her. Remus could now understand the depth of James's love for Lily. He could see why James said many times, even before the trouble with Voldemort began, that if anything parted him from Lily he would die.

Remus realised now that this was exactly how he felt for Nymphadora. He knew that whatever happened, he could never be without her now. This was it, forever. He knew that soon he would be asking her to be with him forever, but for now he was caught up once again in her. She was moaning as his lips and hands moved over her breasts, caressing them, learning how she liked to be touched. She arched her back and whimpered with pleasure when he teased a nipple with his tongue before taking it into his mouth and sucking on it. He moaned in response to the sounds she was making, marvelling in the knowledge that he had pleased her. He caressed the other breast with his hand, deliberately trailing his finger over the tender skin beneath her breast, drawing more moans from her. He didn't know how he knew how to touch her to make her respond so strongly. He was acting on instinct alone, guided purely by the sounds she made as she moaned and sighed, or arched her back and shivered as he caressed her with his hands, lips and tongue.

Hearing her respond so passionately pushed Remus on. He knew in his heart that he couldn't stop now. The intensity of the feelings inside him was like nothing he had ever known before. His first experience with a woman had been a sordid, rushed thing. It was simply a case of two bodies taking from each other, or rather, one taking and the other giving it away for money. _This_ was a tender, beautiful thing, and, as difficult as it was for him to control himself and not rush, he was determined to savour every moment. This was all about her, giving himself to her, not holding back anything. He had done quite enough of that. Now he moved from Tonks's breasts, and placed gentle kisses and caresses over the skin of the rest of her torso. He absorbed the sight of her again, her perfect skin, her feminine figure. He caressed her almost flat abdomen, drawing a deep moan from her as her skin fluttered in response to his gentle touch. Then he dipped his tongue into her belly-button and she began to writhe on the bed and breathe heavily, closing her eyes as waves of sensation overcame her. Remus looked up and saw her eyes closed tightly and the beads of sweat on her brow, he felt her body shuddering beneath him. Again he could hardly believe that he was drawing such responses from her. He wondered how much more he could do. Collecting his thoughts, he decided there was only one way to find out. Easing himself off her body, he knelt beside her on the bed, at her feet.

Nymphadora Tonks was utterly lost in the sensation of Remus's hands and mouth as they moved over her body, each touch and kiss overwhelming her senses. For so long she had longed for this, dreamed of this moment when he would love her, when he would allow her to show her love, with her heart, body and soul. She felt like she was teetering on the edge of the abyss, but she wasn't afraid. Instead she longed for Remus to carry them both over, to join their minds and bodies irrevocably as one. She clamped her eyes shut under the intensity of the kisses and caresses Remus was passing over her body, almost overpowered by the feeling of him discovering her breasts and abdomen, before she almost lost control completely when he dipped his tongue into her belly-button. She gasped and writhed, caught up completely in the moment. Then, after an intense minute, where her body shuddered, almost convulsing with pleasure, she opened her eyes as she felt Remus move away. She looked up at him to see he was sweating as much as her, panting as if he'd run for miles. His eyes were dark with desire. A triumphant glow began in Tonks's heart, washing over her whole body. She believed at last that he had finally dropped his guard. He wanted to belong to her; she could see it in his ardent gaze. She couldn't find the strength to speak, instead she lay, her breathing ragged as she waited for him to make his next move.

Staring into Tonks's eyes Remus reached out and slipped a sock from her foot. He eased it slowly away and threw it aside before repeating the same on the other foot. Then with slow deliberation, he picked up a foot in his hands and raised it. Tonks seemed to sense what he was about to do, she began to breathe heavily again, arching her back in an attempt to get closer to him. Casting her a smile, Remus knew he couldn't make her wait any more. He raised the foot so that the sole was facing his lips and then he began to kiss it. He heard Tonks release a sigh and took it as his cue to go on. Starting at her heel, he kissed her foot, not missing out any of the sensitive skin. As his lips rose higher, Tonks began to wriggle her toes and moan, pushing her foot closer to him. He knew what she wanted, so carefully he kissed up the length of her big toe, before he reached the top when he took the toe into his mouth and sucked. Tonks arched and whimpered in response. Remus knew he had pleased her, so he slowly did the same with each toe in turn, kissing and sucking, until she was shuddering and moaning incoherently.

After kissing her foot, Remus changed position. Sitting forward, he began to slowly kiss and caress his way up Tonks's legs, inching himself higher and higher up her body as he went. Tonks groaned loudly, as he caressed her calves and knees. She shivered as he brushed his hands over the underside of her knees, before moving once more and beginning to softly kiss her thighs. Tonks gasped, this new feeling causing an ache to begin low in her body. She didn't know how much more of this she could stand. Remus had literally reduced her to nothing more than a bundle of nerve endings which seemed to be stretching tighter with every kiss and brush of his hands. He was so close to the part of her body where the ache was throbbing, an ache she knew only he could take away. She felt her control slipping further and further away with each delicate touch he was bestowing on her body. She could hardly believe how reverent he was, each touch and kiss worshipping her, showering her with his deepest feelings. Soon he stilled once more, meeting her gaze. She knew what he was going to do next. She decided to help him. Shaking with need, she took Remus's hands from her thighs and placed them around her hips, then looking into his eyes, she moved with him as he began to slip away the final item of clothing she was wearing.

Remus gasped as the most intimate parts of Tonks's body were revealed to him. Now she lay, completely naked. She was incredible to him. He marvelled at her femininity, he loved her for the way she had given herself up completely to the intense feelings rushing through both of them. Now he knew it was time for him to do the same. Easing himself off the bed, he stood, his eyes locked with Tonks and began to remove his own clothes. He concentrated on her, knowing only too well that if he stopped at this point, the thought of what he was doing would be too much, and his anxiety over his scars would ruin things. He was determined not to allow that to happen, he wanted her too much for that. He slipped off his robes, letting them fall to the floor, then he undid the buttons on his shirt before allowing it to fall. All the time Tonks was watching, on her side on the bed, facing him expectantly. She smiled at him reassuringly, knowing this would be difficult for him. 'I love you Remus' she whispered softly. As she said the words Remus saw the truth of them in her eyes. He looked down at the scars across his chest and shoulders, some from his schooldays, when he spent the full moon in the Shrieking Shack, first alone and then with the Marauders, other scars were fresher, from more recent transformations, though these were not as deep as the older injuries. It dawned on him that even now, with his scars on full view, she still wanted him; she was still looking at him with those deep soulful eyes. She still loved him. The thought gave him strength. Inhaling a breath, he silently removed the rest of his clothes. He stood at the side of the bed, allowing Tonks to look at him.

Tonks cast her eyes over Remus's body. He was skinny, just as she knew he would be and he had scars over his chest, arms and shoulders, some which showed up red and angry, others that had faded over time to white jagged lines. The smattering of hair on his chest was greying, as was the rest of his body hair. However, as she watched him, taking in every inch of his body, she didn't see his flaws. All she saw was the man she loved, the man she wanted to be with for as long as he'd have her. She reached for him and with a deep sigh he moved back to the bed, into her arms. 'I love you so much Nymphadora' he said softly before he kissed her.

The couple lay together, their bodies entwined, exchanging kisses and tender caresses. Soon the weight of emotions between them engulfed them both. The kisses became more passionate, the caresses more intimate. Both wanted to give to each other, needed to show the depth of their love. Tonks kissed each and every scar on Remus's body. She was tentative at first, afraid of hurting him, but when he assured her the scars didn't hurt now, she grew in confidence, kissing and licking each scar, wanting to please him as he did her. She lay on top of him, listening to him moan as she touched him. She heard him gasp as she kissed and nipped all the way from his lips to his belly button where she dipped her tongue and passed it around, just as he had done for her. He emitted a groan and shuddered, arching his back, his hips rising from the bed. Then, when he could think, he held her while he rolled over, bringing her beneath him.

They lay looking into each others eyes for what seemed like an eternity. Their hearts raced in time, they were breathing in and out rhythmically together, as if they were already joined. Then, with a look of pure adoration in his eyes Remus reached and kissed Tonks deeply, their tongues dancing together, drawing them closer. They were wrapped up in each other. In that moment it was as if they were the only two people in the world. They went on, kissing, touching, unable to get enough of each other and then, Remus moved and entered Tonks's body with his own. Tonks sighed and held on to Remus for a moment, adjusting to the new feeling of his body within hers. He looked down on her, worshipping her with his gaze just as he had with his hands earlier, overwhelmed by the feeling of her all around him. Soon they began to move, their bodies easily finding a rhythm that suited them both. They moved together perfectly, as if this was what they were both meant for. As they moved, they kissed and caressed, each whispering the others name. They expressed their love in words while their bodies expressed it in a way that made them feel as if time was standing still. They were together, in that moment nothing else mattered.

Tonks sensed the edge of the abyss drawing near. She knew that any moment now she would fall and Remus would be there, catching her, holding her and taking her to his own fulfilment. She felt her nerve endings tightening as Remus moved within her. She felt like she was floating somewhere with him, taking him with her to a world they had just begun to discover. The edge loomed closer and closer, all Tonks was aware of was Remus as he moaned and told her he loved her over and over, all the while his body moving within her, pushing her further to the edge that was now within her sights. Then suddenly the world seemed to stop as she felt herself falling. _'Remus!'_ she cried out urgently, arching into the waves that crashed all around her. Soon she felt Remus's arms tighten around her exactly as she had known they would. He cried out, arching into her, holding her to him as close as he could before moaning her name, he came down from the ecstasy she had taken him to. Gasping for breath he collapsed over her, his head resting on her breast. Tonks held him close, trying to catch her own breath, while the last echoes of the feelings he had aroused in her began to slowly die away. Soon Remus tried to move, convinced he was crushing her under his bodyweight, but Tonks held him close, revelling in the sensation of his sated body resting over hers. Still intimately joined, the two fell into an exhausted but deeply contented sleep.

Much later Remus and Tonks began to stir. They could tell that night had begun to fall again. They both knew instinctively that they could never go back after the events of that day. The previous night had brought down all the barriers between them. Now all that was left was them and their future together.

Remus realised Tonks was awake and moved off her before he lay on his back and drew her close to him. He smiled softly when he realised that her hair, which had gone a mousey brown over recent months, was now a vivid bubble-gum pink once more. She sighed contentedly, stroking his cheek with the back of her hand. 'Do you think it's wrong to be so happy?' she asked suddenly, her eyes cloudy with concern. Remus looked down on her quizzically before he understood. 'Dumbledore?' he asked, though he already knew the answer. She sighed and nodded, her cheek brushing his skin. Remus sighed and then he remembered the night before. Professor McGonagall's words came back to him, _'Dumbledore would have been happier than anybody to think that there was a little more love in the world.'_ Remus smiled lightly, 'I think Dumbledore would have been pleased for us. Even Sirius would have told me he was glad I've stopped being a stupid prat and 'taken you into my bed' he looked up and winked at her as he spoke in his best Sirius impression, his eyes bright with laughter. Tonks grinned wickedly, 'Actually Professor Lupin, if you recall, this is _my_ bed'. Remus rolled his eyes, 'So it is, still, that's OK, we'll make it mine next time'. He grinned broadly, looking much younger. Tonks sat up and turned towards him, suddenly serious, 'So there will be a next time then?' she asked tentatively, suddenly feeling apprehensive. She needed to know he wasn't going to change his mind again.

Sighing deeply Remus reached for her and pulled her back down into his arms, stroking her back tenderly, 'Of course there will. Nymphadora I love you, I know I messed around and I know, God forgive me, I hurt you, but I swear, I won't do that any more. I don't know how I can convince you…' he broke off, but then he knew. The time had come. 'I don't know how to convince you' he continued, 'except this'. He rose from the bed and walked around to her side, where with his heart hammering, he knelt. Tonks looked at him in bewilderment. There he was, naked as the day he was born, kneeling at the side of her bed! She sat up and looked at him with quizzical eyes, 'Remus what are you doing? Come back to bed' she said, while her heart began to thump for a reason she couldn't work out. Remus looked into her eyes and reached out, grasping her hand in his. Tonks's eyes widened and she swallowed, unable to say anything. Remus took a deep soothing breath and his lips formed the words he had wanted to say for so long. 'Marry me Nymphadora'.

For a long time afterwards Nymphadora Tonks tried to work out how she had managed to stay on the bed when he asked _that_ question, or rather, when he made that statement. She was glad she was sitting because she knew that if she'd been standing, she would now be in a heap on the floor. Remus Lupin had just given her the shock of her life! She tried to pull herself together. Maybe, now they'd slept together he felt obliged to marry her. He was old-fashioned enough to think like that! She fixed her eyes on him; he was still looking at her, waiting almost with baited breath, for her answer. 'Remus, you don't need to worry, we don't need to get married just because we've slept together' she said, tenderly stroking his hand with her own. Remus sighed heavily, his shoulders drooped. He lowered his head; suddenly it seemed as if a pattern on the carpet was fascinating to him. 'I suppose I knew you'd say no, I shouldn't have asked, it's too soon, I've rushed you, I'm sorry' he sounded sadder with every word he uttered. He was ashamed with himself. He had got the woman and now, by being stupid, he knew he'd ruined it!

Tonks heard the sadness in Remus's voice and his apology and could hardly believe it. Maybe she had misunderstood. Perhaps he wanted to marry her. Maybe he hadn't asked because he felt obliged at all! The thoughts raced around in her mind before she collected herself, speaking to the top of his head, his face was still turned towards the floor in shame. 'Remus why….why did you ask me?' Her voice cracked as she spoke. The sight of him looking so ashamed broke her heart. Remus replied, still concentrating on the carpet, 'Because I love you, and because I just want to be with you Nymphadora. I know I was stupid before, but I knew, even when I was pushing you away, I wanted to be with you. I wanted to spend the rest of my life loving you, but it doesn't matter, I'll get over it, after all, it's my fault, I pushed you too hard'. He sighed as he finished.

Now it was Tonks's turn to feel ashamed. She had misunderstood him and assumed he had asked because he felt obliged when he had actually asked because he wanted to be with her! She hoped she could undo the damage before it was too late. She sighed before she could speak. 'Ask me again Remus' she said softly, unable to speak louder for a lump in the back of her throat. Remus turned his head up to face her swiftly, his eyes wide with surprise. 'What did you say?' he asked, as his heart turned over in his chest. Tonks sighed and swallowed hard, 'I said ask me again…please' she replied, her voice beginning to shake. Remus could hardly believe his ears. Hope rushed through him. Maybe he hadn't ruined things after all! Gathering his thoughts, once again he took her hands firmly in his and looked deeply into her eyes. 'Nymphadora would you please do me the honour of becoming my wife?'

Nymphadora Tonks allowed herself a moment to absorb the words. Then, rising to her feet, making him shuffle back on his knees to give her room, his eyes fixed on her anxiously, waiting for her to reply, she reached for him and he stood in front of her, almost holding his breath in anticipation. She leaned towards him and instinctively, he took her into his arms. She reached up and put her arms around his neck. Then, her eyes full, she uttered one word. 'Yes'.

It took Remus Lupin a second to understand what Tonks was saying yes to. When he did, he reacted immediately. He pulled Tonks to him and kissed her, a kiss that made both of them breathless. They eased apart a moment later, 'You mean it, really?' Remus said incredulously. Tonks nodded excitedly, happiness coursing through her whole body. 'Yes I mean it! Oh Remus I love you!' She threw herself into his arms, kissing him deeply before she eased away from him a little. 'I think we should wait a while before we tell anyone, perhaps after Dumbledore's funeral, when people have got over the shock of that a bit'.

Remus gazed at her, loving her more by the second. Even amid their happiness, she was still thinking about other people. He nodded, 'Yes, I agree. But you will go to the funeral with me won't you? The last funeral I went to was James and Lily's. I don't want to go to Dumbledore's by myself. I don't think I could stand it'. Tonks nodded, her eyes shining with tears. 'Of course I'll go with you, after all, I am your fiancée now' she smiled weakly at him, bringing a smile to his own lips. 'I love you Nymphadora' he whispered tenderly before he picked her up in his arms and placed her back on the bed. He got back in with her and took her into his arms again, knowing that he would be able to do this for the rest of their lives. They would have good times and bad times, there were things they still had to overcome, but now Remus knew they would make it. They were together, they loved each other. Nothing else mattered.

THE END

A/N Ah well, that's it. It was a long chapter, though not unnecessarily long I hope. I wanted to make it sound as intense as possible, not just sexually, but emotionally. Read and review, let me know what you think. More from me in a new story soon.


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